Time For Some More Random Thoughts On a Random Day

By Jack Bagley

It seems that there are people out there who have more than enough time on their hands to come up with silly things. And then there’s me, who has enough to do but also likes to come with – and share – some silly things.  So let’s look at some random thoughts that I had on a random day.

This is a test I found on the Internet.  I wish I could’ve been this clever when I was a teacher:
Time: 15 minutes
Answer all questions. Do not turn in this paper until told to do so.  Each question is worth ten points.
Black is a color and white is a color, but a black and white television is not a color television. Discuss.
If soap and water makes the body clean, then what makes the towel dirty after your bath? Discuss.
Can you trust a nurse whose husband sells coffins? Discuss.
You are free to use a calculator.

A bit of baseball:
Rick Sutcliffe was once a pitcher for my beloved Chicago Cubs, and one day while pitching against the Reds in Cincinnati, he gave up a pair of home runs. At the ballpark in Cincinnati, fireworks are shot off every time a Reds player hits a home run.
After giving up the second consecutive homer, Cubs pitching coach Billy Connors came out to the mound to talk to Sutcliffe. The angry pitcher wasn’t in much of a mood to chat and advised Connors to get back to the dugout and tell manager Don Zimmer to settle down.
Connors calmly said, “I know you have everything under control, Rick.  I just wanted to give that guy running the fireworks some extra time to reload.”

Never iron a four-leaf clover.  You don’t want to press your luck.

Chuck Norris turned 85 years old last week. That reminded me of some of those classic Chuck Norris jokes:
When Chuck Norris slices onions, the onions cry.
When the boogeyman goes to sleep at night, he checks to see if Chuck Norris is in the closet.
Chuck Norris doesn’t write books.  The words assemble themselves out of fear.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
The flu has to get Chuck Norris shots every year.
Chuck Norris was in Star Wars.  He was the Force.
The Dead Sea was alive until Chuck Norris swam there.
Chuck Norris only needs twenty minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Bigfoot claims he once saw Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

Some signs seen in the world today:
On a roadway: Caution – This sign has sharp edges.  Do not touch the edges of this sign.  Also, the bridge is out ahead.
On a chair with no seat:  Please be aware that the chair is broken.
On an electrical plant:  Touching wires causes instant death.  $200 fine.
Outside a church: Trespassers will be baptized.  Frequent trespassers will be sent away on mission.
Outside a building under demolition:  We found a spider.  Fixing problem.
Outside a veterinary hospital: In ancient times, cats were worshipped as gods.  They have not forgotten.
In a park:  Attention Dog Walkers: Pick up after your dogs and use a leash.  It’s the law.  Attention Dogs: Grrr, bark, woof woof.  Good dog.
Outside a group of Venus fly-trap plants: If you are not a fly, please do not trigger the fly traps, as this will cause them to digest themselves and eventually die.  If you are a fly, please ignore this message, but proceed with caution.
Inside a restroom:  Wash your hands like you just ate buffalo wings and are about to put on a wedding dress.
At an emergency phone box under repair: Emergency phone not installed.  Please do not have an emergency at this location.
On a roadway sign:  Who you gonna call?  No one.  You’re driving.
Outside a pizza shop:  Come and try the worst pizza one guy on TripAdvisor ever had in his life.
On a pizza buffet: Please don’t tap the glass. It scares the pizza.

See what happens when it’s time for me to write a column and I have absolutely nothing on my mind?
I’ll do better next week.