Crazy Uncle Kyle’s ABCs: part 1

Writer’s note: Before I became a father, I was an uncle, which is much more fun because there is less responsibility. For a brief period in my life, I had the nickname Crazy Uncle Kyle. I wish I could say I came up with the following idea all by myself, but like all good writers, I stole it from someone else. Shel Silverstein if you’re interested. But alas, there’s nothing new under the sun. 

Gather round, children, it’s time for Uncle Kyle to bestow some wisdom upon you. 

Literacy rates across this great land of ours are atrocious. It seems that many of us have forgotten the value of knowing how to read. Reading is one of the most important skills a person can learn, much more so than algebra (you’ll never use that stuff, no matter what your teacher says). Unlike math, reading will be used every day in your adult life. How else will you decipher the AI-generated subtitles on inappropriate TikTok videos you’re watching at work or know what that piece of paper the sheriff’s deputy just handed you means? 

Without reading, your existence will be narrow, dull and, quite frankly, meaningless. 

When learning to read, the best place to start is with the alphabet. These handy little symbols make up all the words in our utterly confusing language and you need to know what they sound like. 

Now why would Uncle Kyle take time out of his busy schedule shooting dice with his alley friends and taking long naps? Because I care about you. I’ve seen the roaming packs of children running amok in the streets terrorizing pets and the elderly. I hear them treating my car like a trampoline while I’m trying to get a little shut eye, and I want you, and all kids, to have a better life. 

And the key to that is knowledge. So let’s begin …

Crazy Uncle Kyle’s ABCs

A is for alcohol. See that brown liquid in that pretty bottle? Leave it alone, that’s for Uncle Kyle only. It makes Uncle Kyle very, very sleepy. While I take a nap, don’t stick your fingers in the light socket or play with the knives in the kitchen, even if they are very shiny … 

B is for blackjack. Do you want to learn a card game? Card games are fun, just look at the pretty pictures and count to 21. Uh oh, that’s 23. Now you owe Uncle Kyle $100. 

C is for cigarettes.  Don’t go down to the corner store and pick up a pack, even if I ask you to. Uncle Kyle is not welcome there anymore. We light cigarettes on the gas stove. Never let your friends borrow your lighter because they won’t give it back. 

D is for dog. See the nice doggie. Mommy and daddy love the doggie more than they love you. Doggie gets to sleep in their bed. Take the dog for a nice long walk. Oh no, the leash came off. Bye, bye doggie!

E is for eviction notice. That’s the piece of paper the sheriff deputy will put on the front door of your trailer. That means you have to move out but take all the copper pipes and wire with you before you go. That’ll show your unreasonable landlady who’s boss. 

F is for fragile. Don’t play baseball in the house because there are a lot of fragile things inside, like that fancy vase in the hallway. But don’t you really like the noise stuff makes when it breaks. I know I do. Let’s go to the China cabinet …

G is for giraffe. Uncle Kyle drank too much of the brown liquid and stole the giraffe from the zoo. The giraffe wasn’t happy there. If the police come, don’t answer their questions. I only showed you the giraffe so you can pretend you don’t know what one is. 

That’s enough for now. Uncle Kyle doesn’t want to overwhelm your tiny, underdeveloped brains. We’ll pick up again next week, besides, I have to go meet my friends in the alley. Now about that $100 you owe me …