If you give a coworker a donut

If you give a mouse a cookie…

“If you give a mouse a cookie,” writes Laura Joffe Numeroff in her best-selling series. (“If you give a moose a muffin.” “If you give a pig a party.” “If you give a cat a cupcake.” Et cetera.) “He’s going to ask for a glass of milk. When you give him the milk, he’s probably going to ask you for a straw. When he’s finished, he’ll ask for a napkin …” 

And on it will go. Looking in the mirror. Cutting his hair. Sweeping up after. “He may get carried away sweeping all the floors in the house. He may wash all the floors as well.” Taking a nap. Finally, asking for a glass of milk and once he has the glass of milk, he’ll ask for a cookie. “The end.”

Cute, but due to circumstances as of late, I feel compelled to do a closer-to-home version. The “If you give a Houston Home Journal coworker a donut” (tongue-in-cheek) version.

“If (when) you give a Houston Home Journal coworker a donut, he will not ask for a glass of milk. No, he – or she – will want to know instead, when you are going to restock the K-pods. The – ‘and don’t-you-buy-the-cheap-brand K-pods, either. And while you’re at it, the creamer looks a little low. Can’t have a donut without coffee don’t you know.’

“If you give a coworker a donut, he’s not going to settle for glazed. Oh no. He (and he and she and he and …) is going to insist that there’s a maple bacon one and a coconut one and, ‘Why aren’t there any jelly filled?’ And ‘They didn’t have any apple fritters?’

“If you give a coworker a donut there, better not be one missing from the box to start, either. Heaven forbid you might give yourself a donut – or two – to jump start your day. Unforgivable. Forget about the fact the donut money is coming out of ‘your’ pocket. Irrelevant when you give a coworker a donut.

“If you give a coworker a donut, you better buy two boxes – two dozen. One for the front area – newsroom, advertising, graphics, administration – and one for the press area. Lord have mercy they have to share one measly dozen between them.

“If you give a coworker a donut on a Friday, every Friday, you better not miss a Friday. I don’t care if it’s not your fault (which was the case last week). I don’t care if the donut lady down the street and her husband on a whim took the kids to the beach and unexpectedly closed that Friday. You better stalk them. Head down to Florida and bring back those donuts!

“If you give a coworker a donut be aware they might form an attachment. They might start thinking the ones left over at the end of the day are theirs and it’s their right, and ‘only’ ‘their’ right, to take them home. And should somebody else just happen to take the leftovers home at the end of the day, the other person might insist you launch a Sherlock Holmes, Dick Tracy, investigation into who took home his donuts! (True story, like everything else I’ve written.) (Again, just in jest.)

“If you don’t give a coworker a donut. If you tell him … and him and her and him and … you’re going to give him … them … a banana or an apple or a fruit basket, something healthy, something you’ve thought about doing in the past, be aware he is liable to look at you all hateful like, as a traitor, call you a rat even, pitch a fit, throw himself down on the floor and start kicking his feet and waving his arms like a dying cockroach and screaming: ‘Give me a donut! I want a donut!’

“If you’re a kind and caring, wonderful, super, phenomenal, best-ever manager or supervisor or leader like me, and you want to, or are thinking of doing something nice for your folks, just be aware all of the above is likely to play out, ‘if’ you give a coworker a donut. The end.”