The power of oneness

Do you ever wonder how two become one flesh in marriage? What is a one-flesh marriage? Is it even possible to be one flesh in marriage?

There is a delicate line between becoming one with your mate, while at the same time, maintaining your God-given identity. Anyone who follows our personal pages on Facebook can contest to the fact that our profile picture is always a photo of both of us. The rare exceptions are during the seasons of Mother’s Day or Father’s Day when we periodically elect to post a picture of our parents in honor of their places in our lives. But we would venture to say that 99.9% of the time, it’s a photograph of the two of us. Even though we have separate pages with our individual names, the “face” of the pages is never either/or. Instead, it is both. Our profile pictures display our unification—our oneness.

The question of how two people can become one can be mindboggling, but even more so if you have recently married or if you are a couple made up of two individuals wherein at least one of you were not raised on biblical principles. If this is your story, maybe you are asking, “What does it mean to become one, and how do my spouse and I accomplish it?”

First, let us make this very clear. The development of oneness is something that takes determination, persistence, and the willingness to compromise and work together. In a perfect world, it would take place instantly, but in the real world—the one we all live in—it will take time. Especially if both individuals have been living independently of parental support for some time and have established routines and habits of their own. However, with a consistent joint effort, becoming one can and will happen.

God created everyone different; this includes you and your spouse. He crafted each of us to have distinctive qualities as a part of His magnificent Master plan. We are fearfully and wonderfully designed after His image and likeness, and that’s a marvelous thing! God’s Word tells us that we are to praise Him because of that (Psalm 139:14).

The fact that two people come from different backgrounds and/or have different life experiences doesn’t negate the fact that if God puts them together, they can be made one. We’ll use ourselves as an example. One of us was born in New York. The other was born in Florida. A single parent raised one of us, while the other was raised in a two-parent household. One of us was raised in the church and brought up to know the Word and ways of God, while the other was not and didn’t establish a personal relationship with Christ until adulthood. We are two vastly different individuals who were made one in marriage through Christ. Becoming one in marriage isn’t about where you came from; it’s about where you are.

When we treasure our spouse, we appreciate and value those beneficial characteristics and can love them and our Creator in a more important way. A few of the major goals that need to be identified from the beginning, and developed over the course of time, include: how to handle household finances, who is going to take care of which responsibilities, ways in which to spend free time, expectations of sexual intimacy, dealing with in-laws, how to raise children, understanding differences in spiritual callings, how to deal with conflict, and visions and plans for the future.

Unfortunately, many couples avoid topics that they think may become intense, but in the long run, doing so will do a disservice to the process of the two truly becoming one as God intends. In the New Living Translation interpretation of the Bible, here is what Jesus tells us in Mark 10:6-9: “But God made them male and female from the beginning of creation. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one. Since they are no longer two but one, let no one split apart what God has joined together.” Although this is an excerpt taken from the New Testament of scripture, by stipulating “from the beginning of creation,” it clearly tells us that this was God’s intent from the very beginning of time.

In fact, the term “one flesh” originates from Genesis’ (first book of the Bible) account of the creation of Adam and Eve. Genesis 2:21-24 describes the process by which God created Eve from a rib taken from Adam’s side as he slept. Adam recognized that Eve was literally a part of him. They were, in fact, of one flesh. The term “one flesh” means that just as our bodies are one whole unit that cannot be divided into pieces and still be complete, so God intends it to be with the marriage relationship. There are no longer two parties (two individuals), but now there is one entity (a married couple).

Of course, it is not humanly possible for two people to morph into one person. This is a spiritual process, which is why becoming one as written in the Word of God is impossible to do unless we are believers on Christ and acknowledge God’s Word to be the spiritual roadmap for every area of our lives. As husbands and wives, we have to treat one another as we want to be treated, love one another as we want to be loved, honor one another as we want to be honored, value one another as we want to be valued. We do that because we view each other as we view ourselves. As a married individual, anything a person does not want done or said to them—they should never say or do to their spouse.

In talking with couples as a part of our relationship coaching ministry, we find that too many times, one partner expects from the other what they themselves are not willing to give. This unbalanced behavior causes unnecessary problems within a marriage. It’s as simple as this… If you want your spouse to respect you, respect your spouse. If you want your spouse to be faithful to you, be faithful to your spouse. If you want your spouse to be honest with you, be honest with your spouse. If you want your spouse to treat you like royalty, treat your spouse like royalty. “So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them…” (see Matthew 7:12 ESV). The Golden Rule applies in marriage just as it does in our every day lives—perhaps even more so.

Let’s be honest. The process to becoming one hasn’t been second nature since the fall of mankind. Husbands and wives have to be intentional in their pursuit of accomplishing this level of bonding. In Genesis 2:24, the husband is commanded to “cleave” to his wife. That word has two ideas behind it. One is to be “super glued;” a picture of how tight the marriage bond is designed to be. The other is for the husband to “pursue hard after” the wife. This means to go beyond the courtship. It is to continue throughout the marriage.

People often say that cleanliness is next to godliness. Well, in marriage, the Bible indicates ONENESS is next to GODLINESS. When each spouse thinks of the other more highly than they think of themselves, no one’s needs are left unmet. If the husband remains focused on pleasing his wife, and the wife remains focused on pleasing her husband, and both spouses stay focused on pleasing the will of Christ—that’s where oneness is found.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, and the authors of the devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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