The poison of “No”

We are a married couple who never says, “No,” just for the sake of saying it. It brings us joy to bring one another joy. It fulfills each of us to fulfill the other. If we ask one another to do something, the automatic answer is, “Yes,” unless what’s being asked is something that we simply cannot do. In our marriage, that practice goes far beyond the subject of physical intimacy. It’s all-inclusive.

This is one of the reasons that husbands and wives should never ever be unequally yoked, and this is also a reason why honest communication takes place prior to entering a marriage covenant. Both of us are devoted Christians, so we know that we would never ask each other to do anything that offends God or goes against His will for our lives. Our belief systems are in sync. What each of us agrees to may temporarily inconvenience us or require that we revamp our schedule a bit, but if “Yes” is a possible answer, that is the answer that we give.

No doubt, there are some that are reading this who will define us as “yes-men.” The term “yes-man” is often used to describe a person (male or female) that is considered too weak or cowardly to say, “No,” to another person. If that’s the way we are defined, so be it. What other people think doesn’t faze us. As a married couple, we are completely happy and fulfilled, and best of all, it glorifies God. For us, that’s all that matters. We often describe our marriage as extraordinary. Is it perfect? Of course not. Every marriage has its own challenges, but it is our greatest aspiration to love, honor, cherish and serve one another as God intends, and we intentionally strive to do that every single day.

Over the years, many people have complimented the oneness that we share. Other couples have even expressed their desire to experience the same harmony. But when they are informed of how we function in our marriage, it’s as though they are too proud or stubborn to follow the example that we give. Married people often seem to fear that they will lose their sense of identity if they allow themselves to really become one with each other in Christ. Covenant Christians sometimes foolishly go on “power trips” because one feels the need to make the other feel inferior or unneeded. It’s a twisted mindset that can only come from satan himself.

Some years ago, we watched a television program wherein the husband executed what he called, “THE POWER OF NO.” His mindset was that the more he denied his wife, the more it would empower him, thereby weakening her. He believed refusing to give in to her daily requests and even her sexual advances gave him some sort of mystical control in the marriage. How foolish!

There was a quote that circulated on social media some time ago that said, “Giving your spouse the silent treatment [which, in our opinion, includes denying the fulfillment of their needs] is only teaching them to live without you.” We wholeheartedly agree. Not only is this method of control foolish, it goes against God’s design for marriage. Denying a spouse doesn’t give either party power in a marriage. Instead it feeds poison to our marriage. It plants seeds of suspicion and discord. It leaves the denied one in the position that no married person should ever be forced into.

It’s imperative we understand that to be intimate with one another isn’t just about sexing one another. Sometimes it’s about serving one another. There are those who view the word “serving” in a negative light. They immediately tend to think it belittles them and reduces them to the role of a husband’s servant or a wife’s doormat. That’s not the case at all.

When husbands and wives serve each other, they show with their actions how much they care about each other and how much they value one another. It tells a spouse, “I’m here for you” and “You can count on me” and “You can depend on me.” It’s a means of availing oneself to that person that we should love and adore more than any other human being. There are those who will bend over backward for their boss, go the extra mile for their friend and even give their very last to their child. But when it comes to their spouse, they have no problem saying, “No.” That should never be!

The boundaries of true love are virtually nonexistent, and the love between a husband and wife should be the truest love that can be found between two human beings. It’s that kind of love that will make you place the personal plans you’ve made or the plans you’ve made with others on hold because your spouse has asked you to do something for (or with) them. Serving often requires that we put the other person’s needs before our own. True love cancels out the infamous phrase, “Not tonight; I have a headache.”

In Luke 14:16, Jesus shares the parable of a “certain man” (who many theologians believe is symbolic of Christ Himself) who prepared a feast and invited all of his friends (symbolic of the church, or the bride of Christ) to come and share in it. When he sent word to let them know that the feast was ready, all who were invited found excuses as to why they couldn’t make it. Everyone who had been invited RSVP’d with excuses. In a single word, regardless of the accompanying reasons, their answer was, “No.”

In response, the “certain man” then extended his invitation to those in the outer court (symbolic of the world); those that didn’t claim to love him; those who had no personal relationship with him, and he presented the same opportunity to them. Guess what? They readily came. Because those who were chosen didn’t come, others were able to reap the rewards that could (and should) have belonged to them. So much of this spiritual picture can be relative to our human marriages.

Many things can come into play to cause marriages to fall apart. Some of those things may not be within our control. However, neglecting a spouse is very much within both parties’ control. We can choose to be there for our spouse, or we can choose to abandon and neglect them mentally, physically, emotionally and/or spiritually. And in doing so, we leave the door open for those on the outside to make their way inside and partake of what solely should belong to us.

“Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…” (Ephesians 5:25). Can we even wrap our carnal minds around the level of love that it takes for a woman to be submissive to her husband? What about the level of love it takes for a man to be willing to sacrifice his very own life for his wife? That’s true abiding love. That’s extraordinary love. That’s the power of “Yes!”

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships,” and guests hosts of the new forthcoming television talk show, “The Marriage Circle Connection.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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