Shticks of One, Half A Dozen of the Other

Musings of an Aging Mind

By Jack Bagley

Some rather amusing “Signs of Our Times” as I found them on the Internet (with a caveat that you’ll find them funny only if you have a warped sense of humor, like I do):
Outside a dentist’s office:
Reserved parking for those who floss daily.
On a park bench:
Wet Paint.  Skeptics touch here. (arrow points to hole in sign). (Wonder how many did?)
Outside a restaurant:
Indian, Mexican, Chinese – We Deliver All Kinds of American Food.
On a pasture fence:
Entrance to the field is free.  The bull will charge later.
Outside an auto repair shop:
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
On a pizza coupon:
Any large pizza, any number of toppings*, $8.99
* - Limit 5 toppings
Outside a church:
Whoever stole our AC units, keep one.  It’s hot where you’re going.
Outside an auto shop:
If people make you sick, maybe you should cook them longer.
In a park:
Please do not drop your cigarette butts on the ground.  The rabbits come out at night to smoke them, and we are trying to get them to quit.
In a bookstore:
Please note:  The post-apocalyptic fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs. (Indeed.)
In a cemetery:
Please do not open a grave until you have contacted someone in charge of the cemetery.
(People are actually doing this?)
On a billboard:
I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones I’ve been getting lately.
Along a park trail:
Absolutely no alcohol beyond this point.  So start chugging.
Outside a builders’ supply:
I don’t know what it’s called, but it has green leaves and it’s now in stock.
On a roadway sign:
I put Grandma on speed dial.  I call that Instagram.
Outside a coffee shop:
More espresso, less depresso
On the side of a building:
No Parking.  Not 5 minutes, not 30 seconds, not at all!
At a bus stop:
Notice to riders:  Failure to be at the bus stop at the scheduled time will result in missing the bus.
At a beach hot dog stand:
Once the food is given to you, if a seagull takes it from you, there will be no refunds.  The seagulls don’t work for us.  Sorry for the inconvenience.
Outside a restaurant:
Today’s chickens are so awful, they all use fowl language.
In a national park:
Be Bear Aware.  You are no longer at the top of the food chain beyond this point.
At a bus stop:
To get the bus to Hogwarts, please run directly at this sign.
(I wonder how many people actually did that?)
Outside an elementary school:
Dear Parents … Tag!  You’re It! Love, the Teachers
(I’ll bet this was at the start of summer break)
On a gate:
This gate must be open or shut at all times.
Outside a sandwich shop:
Egg salad is still chicken salad, if you think about it.
On a billboard:
There are two types of people in this world.  Avoid both.
Outside a doctor’s office:
Don’t give up on your dreams.  Go back to sleep.
At a weekend corn maze:
If you become lost or confused in the corn maze, stay calm! Don’t panic, help is on the way.  Every Thursday morning we send a rescue team into the maze to bring out everyone left from the previous weekend.  They usually locate over two-thirds of those left behind.

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