Independent living…..or not?

Last week I was “under the gun” to get a column in early because of the holiday so I was searching my archives for something to do with “Independence” that might fit the bill as we celebrated “Independence Day”; I like to call it that as opposed to July 4th because it points to the sacrifices that were made for our independence.

In the process I found this column from 2012 regarding a decision we were wrestling with of whether or not to invite my In-laws to come live with us. I titled the column : “Is it time for shared living?”. Due to a “Tech glitch” we missed the deadline for last week’s paper but the editor suggested we run it this week. Here it is as it appeared six years ago, but the subject is timeless for those who are pondering this decision:

Wow, what a life-changing question! (“Is it time for shared living?”) And we actually asked it of ourselves this week.

My wife’s parents have been living in an ALF, assisted living facility, for the past four years or so after her step father had a stroke with subsequent and related, vascular dementia. It has worked out well so far. All their living needs are met and we’re close enough that my wife and I can provide supplemental help as needed which is frequent, often daily.

So why would we even consider a change? Two main reasons:

1. Cost increases. When they first moved to the ALF, monthly costs were about $2,700/mo. That has steadily increased to $3,700/mo with another significant increase expected in January. This is becoming a real strain on their fixed income budget.

2. The care giver load on mom has steadily increased. Dad’s needs are ever increasing while at the same time mom’s ability to meet those needs are decreasing. And the cost of having supplemental care giver help, in addition to their regular expenses, is prohibitive.

Those two factors are what prompted the conversation last week of whether or not we should consider having them move into our master suite on the first floor and my wife and I live in our guest quarters. (We are blessed to have a home that even makes this consideration a possibility).

But this is a BIG decision that has to be considered carefully from every angle. Here are just three dimensions that we are presently mulling:

1. The financial impact is perhaps the easiest to deal with. It would obviously be mutually beneficial. The $3,700/mo. living cost at the ALF would go away and be replaced by much lower costs at our home. In addition, they could sell their apartment (albeit at a loss from their purchase price due the economy) and free up financial resources.

2. The CG impact would be mixed. The burden would be reduced on mom but increased on my wife and me. I’m still pondering the question my wife asked me: “Are you willing to help give dad a bath several times a week?”

But the increased amount of care we’d need to provide would be somewhat offset by the convenience of being able to offer the care at home instead of having to go to them as we do now.

3. Perhaps the hardest to anticipate up front is the emotional impact and lost independence on all concerned; mom and dad, my wife and me.

By no means are these all the questions that have to be asked when considering a move like this. But at least they can provide a framework for dialogue. The details are different for every family but the basic issues will revolve around those factors. As seniors are living longer and the economy continues to press us all, I’m confident we’re not the only ones pondering this question.

I’m back in “Real time” here now. As it turns out, shortly after I wrote that column, mom decided to put her husband in a 24/7 care facility. When he passed she decided to have him buried right down the road from the farm in a church cemetery. After a time of mourning, we made the decision to invite mom to live with us which she did ; we enjoyed having her and she enjoyed being here where she could see the cattle righ out her window. This fall, it will be two years since mom passed as well. Time flies!!!

This is an important decision, it shouldn’t be made lightly; I highly recommend serious prayer and discussion before making it.

Thanks for reading All About Seniors…..see you next week!