Hey Dad, where are the keys?

Remember asking your dad for the car keys when you were a new teenage driver? I sure do!

This week’s column is not quite as lighthearted as the “Fonz” asking Dad for the keys so he can cruise to the DQ. Rather, it’s about the “baby-boomer Fonz” asking Dad if he’s still driving and does he think he can still drive safely.

This can be a really tough subject to broach with Mom or Dad because in truth, when Dad does have to give up the keys, it’s like giving up a part of his manhood, and we need to recognize that before we ever open the subject.

In fact, I vividly remember when my father-in-law had to stop driving after a stroke. Invariably, when Mom would drive them over to our house for a visit, she would pull the car into the driveway. It was one of his small pleasures in life, when they got ready to leave, to go out to the car and turn it around so it was facing out of the driveway “to make easier for her so she wouldn’t have to back it out onto the street.”

I remember cringing every time that happened because invariably, it meant one or more broken lawn sprinklers that had to be repaired. But I tried to be understanding because I knew how much it meant to him to still be “the man in the house” in control of the keys.

Typically, when we open this subject, it’s out of loving concern for a special senior in our lives, and most of us will have the best of intentions. But because this subject is so emotionally charged, we need to give it a good bit of thought before we start. So, with that in mind, here are a few Q&As for the session.

Q. What can I, as a family member or friend, do if I’m concerned about the driving ability and safety of someone older who continues to drive?

A. If there are other family members or friends available, talk with them to see if they have made some of the same observations and discuss how you might be able to work together to help the driver, such as sharing the chauffeuring duties.

Q. What can family members and friends do when a driver continues to drive against the advice of their family and friends?

A. If the person will not listen to reason, you may want to discuss the problem with his/her doctor to find out if there are any medical reasons that should be reported. When a person’s doctor advises them to stop because of the effects of medications or a diagnosis that impairs safe driving, it can be more palatable. “Doctor’s orders’’ can give a spouse or loved one the back-up needed to take over the driving duties.

Q. If an older driver stops driving, what alternatives are available?

A. If we were in a large metropolitan area, alternative means might be more readily available, but we’re not, so be prepared to either offer driving assistance yourself, or in concert with siblings and friends.

The reality is that many older drivers realize their skills are decreasing and are relieved to stop driving if other accommodations can be made. Sometimes, it’s the driver’s license that’s most important to them—they want to carry it in their wallet, but won’t insist on driving. Dad still needs to feel like he’s in control of the keys!

This is a tricky one. Forethought and compassion are the “keys” to helping Dad give up his keys when it’s time. In fact, this is such an important topic that Visiting Angels ® has a special brochure just for this situation. It’s free for the asking. Just call 478-971-1608 or email a request to https://www.visitingangels.com/centralga/home.

Thanks for reading All About Seniors … see you next week.

Bill Milby is a Director of Visiting Angels® of Central Georgia, a non-medical, living assistance service for seniors. If you have questions or comments about this column you can reach him at william.mercylink@gmail.com or search for us at https://www.facebook.com/VisitingAngelsofCentralGA/.

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