Diets I’m just ‘dying’ to try

I’ve been thinking about trying a new diet. The honey bun in the morning, donuts for lunch and Little Debbie snack cake for dinner diet – I never met one I didn’t like – just isn’t working. Hence, I need something new. 

Perhaps the “Clay Diet.” It’s the act of stirring bentonite clay into my water to detox. Well, I’m pretty good at stirring Nutty Buddy’s and Devil Cremes and Zebras and Oatmeal Pies and Swiss Rolls together for a protein shake. I think I can handle that.

The upside of this diet – literally eating mud pies I would suppose – is my body won’t absorb it, and it will reportedly bind and remove toxins, impurities, and chemicals from my body. (Shailene Woodley of “Divergent” and “Insurgent” fame is its biggest cheerleader, and if you can’t trust Hollywood…) 

Of course, you knew those so-called “experts” – aka “doctors” – would find something wrong with it. Like the possibility of poisoning myself with arsenic.

So, that’s out. How about “Fletcherizing”? This is a diet named after the man who came up with it, Horace Fletcher, in the 19^th Century. It works like this. I chew my food 32 times then I spit it out. Or, if I can’t find anywhere private to spit it out … Although, I suppose if enough people are around long enough to see me spit it out frequent enough, “everywhere” for me will be private … I can swallow it, but only after I’ve chewed it 100 times.

Fletcher claimed this would result in me eating way less food and would even make me stronger. The world agreed because it reportedly became an overnight sensation. Fletcher became a millionaire known as “The Great Masticator.” (No auto-correct! You leave that alone!) There were even songs written about it. (Sung to the tune of Weird Al Yankovic’s “My Bologna,” I think) “Each morsel you eat, if you’d be wise. Don’t cause your blood pressure e’er to rise. By prizing your menu by its size …”

Of course, doctors ruined it again with words like “malnutrition” and “weakness” and “fatigue” and “infections and rashes and lesions” (oh my) so I guess that’s out, too.

The “Cotton Ball Diet”? Nope. I could never “gin” up enough courage to try that; eating cotton balls instead of food. 

The “Sleeping Beauty Diet”? No. That would leave me “all shook up.” (Did I mention Elvis was reportedly a fan.)    

The “Baby Food Diet”? Nope. Been there, done that – once, which was plenty – when my first son was a baby.

The “Cigarette Diet”? This was popular in the 1930s … “Reach for a Lucky instead of a sweet” … but I think I’m not trying to swap diabetes with cancer.

One last possibility? “Breatharianism.” “Breatharians” live on “light” and “air” alone. No food. No water. There are mixed reports on its origins. Either it was founded by Tibetan monks, Wiley Brooks, who founded the Breatharian Institute in the early ‘80s (Wiley Brooks who was also known to eat a quarter pounder every now and then) or Ellen Greve – aka “Jasmuheen” – in the ‘90s.

Regardless. This is what they’re saying: You’ll shed those pounds in no time at all. And this is what I’m saying: Yeah. I’ll die. Nothing will make me lose weight faster than that. 

Now where’d I put those Twinkies?