Hazardous to your health!

What would you do if you were to walk into a doctor’s office, and the attending physician told you that while your ailment was curable, you would die within 30 days if you didn’t immediately do something to begin improving your health? If you’re like us, you’d make it a top priority to do whatever necessary to give yourself the best possible chance at a longer, healthier, happier life.

On the contrary, while people, in general, will often make the time in their schedule to do what needs to be done and spend the necessary money to buy the right foods, the appropriate equipment and the best gym membership to make sure that they reach their goals to save their physical lives—many won’t do the same when it comes to saving the life of their marriage. Countless marriages die every year that were very much salvageable, but the individuals involved were not willing to put in the time, effort and resources needed in order to save their covenant. It’s a sad truth.

Many things can affect the overall health of a marriage. Sometimes our genuine desires become distorted by “wrong thinking” that results in emotional garbage weighing our marriage down—just like physical garbage (junk food) can weigh down our physical selves. In the natural, many of us own a proverbial “sweet tooth” that just can’t be satisfied unless we feed our bodies certain sugary foods. Maybe others crave carbs or fatty foods, and those fruits and veggies that nutritionists recommend are just not answering what our bodies are calling for. Mindlessly feeding our flesh what it desires, despite knowing those things are not good for us, can bring us temporary satisfaction, but lead to our permanent demise.

The same goes for our marriages. Unless we are intentional—meaning purposefully attentive—we can get so caught up with the unhealthy cravings of our flesh, that we find ourselves out of position with our spouse and out of alignment with the will and the Word of God for our covenant. Take note: these unhealthy cravings don’t have to be sexual in nature. Marriages can become frail and sickly for various reasons. Giving too much time to careers, hobbies, friends, and even other family members can damage the bonds of a couple’s marriage just as sexual immorality can.

There is nothing wrong with having hopes and dreams, but no tangible aspiration should be more important than the security and harmony of your marriage. Scripture states in Proverbs 21:2 (AMP): “Every man’s way is right in his own eyes, but the Lord weighs and examines the hearts [of people and their motives].” Some of our firmly held, but unrealized or naïve longings, set us up for disappointment, anger and despair. And these emotions, if not managed well, will negatively impact our relationships and lives.

This is why it is so important for us to know our divine purpose and to marry only the person that God has given His blessing for us to marry (we talked about this last week in our column, “The Blessing of the Father”). Make no mistake about it, the purpose God has predestined for your life is not one that will cause the severance of your covenant—not if you married the person He prepared for you.

Following God’s direction in marriage is vitally important. His plans are faultless. That includes what God’s will is for those things (professions, achievements, etc.) that we pursue. This is not the time to try and keep up with the Joneses. The things Mr. and Mrs. Jones are doing may not be what God has for you. When our goal is to please God through our marriage, one spouse can’t just jump on every business deal, every investment opportunity or every “good hunch” that someone else may pitch to us. We must seek God for every avenue of our life.

Proverbs 14:12 (NKJV) says, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but its end is the way of death.” This could very well include the death of a marriage when one individual falls prey to outside influences, whether those influences are business matters or things of pleasure. Everything that seems good is not godly, but rest assured, everything that’s godly is good.

That being said, we should be open to considering that some of our relational problems might be caused by our refusal to take an honest look at the people we deal with (i.e. friends). That’s right. Sometimes toxic relationships we build outside of the bond we share with our spouse can be detrimental to the health of our marriage. We see something they have and we want it. What they think of us mean the world to us. We allow them to influence us and make us feel dissatisfied with what God has given us.

Our need to hold on to those unhealthy friendships and associations can become poison to our marriage, and if our connection to our spouse means as much to us as it certainly should, we have to sever ties with external forces that are causing the slow, but certain death of our marriage. We can’t want to hold on to negative influences so much that we are willing to allow them to cause division and sabotage our covenant.

In the book of James, we are warned that our desires can battle within us and become demands, which then create conflict and can finally lead to disturbances within our relationships. “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but do not get it. You kill and covet, but cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight” (James 4:1-2).

The word toxic implies something containing a hazardous substance. We sometimes notice that poisonous label on tanker trucks that pass us as we travel highways on our daily commutes. Other times we notice a hazardous sticky label on containers as we walk the isles of select stores. Consider this: some of the people we insist upon having in our inner circle should be required to wear a T-shirt with one of those “hazardous to your health” warning signs displayed in plain view!

Some people are just toxic and unsafe to be around. While some are that way intentionally, others may be that way innately. Whichever is the case, the vessel (body) that houses their poison might appear harmless, but what pours out of them can kill everything you allow their poison to come in contact with, including your marriage. Why can’t you see the poison? Where is it stored? Just as it is with all sin, it is rooted in the heart! Jesus said it like this: “For out of the heart come evil thoughts—murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander” (Matthew 15:19 – NIV).

We must be prayerful about every single thing in our lives; friendships included. Both these sayings may be considered cliché, yet they hold so much truth: “Misery loves company” and “Hurt people hurt people.” We’d also like to add to that, “Misled people mislead people.” When we allow deluded people into our lives and we feed into the venom that they spread, our marriages can become victims. If you want a strong, happy, Christ-centered relationship with your spouse, surround yourself with other couples that have strong, happy, Christ-centered relationships. Healthy marriages build healthy marriages.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, and the authors of the devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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