What could be ‘butter’ than margarine?

Butter my biscuit. Or was it margarine my biscuit? That was the mystery I mulled over in my mind as I opened the little packet of the yellow delicacy at Cracker Barrel this past weekend.

Sidenote. Back when Cracker Barrel came up with that horrible logo and then switched back, the waitress told us shortly thereafter that one of the changes they were also making was the butter … er, uh … margarine … would no longer be as hard as gold bullion but would instead be “soft”. Indeed, it was— that time. On later trips, it was back to being petrified.

But back to butter, margarine, and the question at hand. A quest, a journey actually started down the yellow-brick road when I watched a video a few days prior.

“Butter is good for you. A superfood and you should put it on lots of your food. Margarine is absolute garbage. It’s trash. It’s seed oil that has been chemically altered to make it look like butter. It’s basically plastic.”

I was at work when I saw that. (But don’t tell anybody I was watching videos at work.) When I got home I grabbed my pitchfork in one hand and my torch in the other – logistically losing the battle on how to light it – burst through the door – I also couldn’t figure out how to use the doorknob – and pronouncing, no, “demanding” to my wife (you can probably figure what that led to): “Is there margarine in our refrigerator? It needs to go right now!”

I rooted it out. “Uh-huh. Thirty-eight percent vegetable oil! Water? What’s that all about? Soybean. I knew it. That’s probably only a small step from turnip greens!” I threw it in the yard. (Which is where Country Crock and I both slept that night.)

“Margarine is not bad for you,” she said.

“Aha. Well, that’s where you’re wrong, missy,” I said, knowing using the word “missy” was liable to get me hit with a frying pan.

“I have evidence it was developed by the French. They’re the ones who invented French fries,” I added, stuffing another from Mickey D’s down my throat … the greatest fries ever! (Yes, I know they probably started in Belgium.)

“And we know those aren’t good for you. It was a French ‘chemist.’ Aha. Chemists created the Periodic Table of Elements. That’s worse than new math.”

I rested my case. (A.k.a. I wasn’t smart enough to come up with anything else.)

Her: “Well, for your information. Margarines are typically made from vegetable oils.” (I already knew that but she was now holding a broom. I felt it best not to interrupt.)

She continued, “Vegetable oils typically contain unsaturated fats, which is a better heart-healthier option than butter, which is high in saturated fats. Replacing saturated fats with unsaturated fats can lower the risk of cardiovascular disease.

“Margarine also contains monounsaturated and polyunsaturated fats. Those are also beneficial for heart health. They can reduce levels of low-density lipoprotein cholesterol, which is the ‘bad’ cholesterol.

“You need more? You take vitamins, don’t you? Many margarines are fortified with essential vitamins such as A and D. It also has fewer calories than butter.” (Boy, do I believe in some vitamins.)

I was about to give up and take my blankie outside for the night when she threw down the hammer.

“You like pastries, right? You know, like that package of eight apple turnovers you devoured in two days. (I’m not proud, but I do love me some apple turnovers.) And what about those doughnuts you buy the office every Friday (two dozen from Lickin Good Donuts in Perry; a blatant endorsement). Did you know those and all those cookies and snack cakes you like … (Little Debbie could have been my mom.) … They were probably made with margarine.”

Boom. Once again, she proved she was the “Imperial” food expert in this household, the one who knew the “Smart Balance,” not me. I hung my head in shame and mumbled the only response I could muster. “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”

I went on further. I apologized. I groveled. I offered concessions like dinner and a movie, but she stood firm in her disapproval and resolve with words that cut like a knife through margarine: “Don’t try to butter me up now.”