The Zodiac has me seeing stars

I’m sure, being the smart folks you are, you’ve heard this, read this, encountered this – something this – that the Zodiac has its origin in ancient Babylon; like 1800 BCE. (The zodiac obviously being the star formations like Aries the ram, Taurus the bull and representing things like the earth, wind and fire and so forth and so on.) 

I’ve also read a number of scholarly works that said it originated in Greece and a pretty good bit that claimed it emerged with ancient Israel. (Some added but with Babylonia influence.) Job 9:9, 26:13, which mentions the Bear and Orion, Amos 5:8, which speaks off Pleiades and Orion are examples in the Bible.

Regardless, I’m sure we can’t imagine the Jews following/relying on what we’ve turned it into today: horoscopes.

“Moses. Moses. The Egyptians are coming. The Egyptians are coming. What are we going to do!” 

Moses: “I don’t know. Wait a second. Let me consult my horoscope. Houston Home Journal, Issue No. 1, page 8. Let’s see. Sagittarius? Scorpio? No. Ah. Here it is. Capricorn. Capricorn because everybody knows I’m practical, hard-working, traditional, an old soul who creates a stable foundation for others (astrology.com).

“And it says: ‘Today you will be a ‘part’ of something big.’ What the heck does that mean? Oh well, guess we’ll just go have to go around this here Red Sea.”

So, maybe not. Still, if they did, I could see how they would want to “personalize” it for their generation, their locale, their circumstances, et cetera. Or at least I did. Hence I turned where all truth seekers turn when they want to know the whole truth and nothing but the truth: AI.

“AI. My sign is Cancer, because I am nurturing, compassionate and intuitive (astrology.com). I am also one of the ‘mothers of the zodiac’ (alright astrology.com you just wait one dadgum minute) … Anyway. I was born in Georgia. My granddaddy was a bit of a redneck. My grandmomma was a bit of a redneck. My daddy was a redneck. My momma was a redneck. I don’t claim being a redneck but I’ve been called it enough in my life. What’s my ‘redneck’ horoscope for today?”

AI: “Your redneck horoscope: ‘Your heart’s softer than grandma’s biscuits, and today it might get a little crumbly. Surround yourself with folks who bring good gravy, not dry turkey.’”

Okay, well that was kind of fun.

“AI. Let’s pretend I’m from New York. What would my ‘New Yorker’ horoscope be?”

AI: “Your New York horoscope: ‘Get outta here. Go see where you gotta go. I don’t mess with guys who drive hoopties like yours. You sus and you don’t watch out you’re gonna catch these hands.’”

Well, that wasn’t friendly at all. Maybe I should go west.

“AI. Let’s pretend I’m from Texas. What would my Texas horoscope be?”

AI: “Shucks pardner. That thar’s an easy one. Your Texas horoscope: ‘Today’s yor lucky day. Yor gonna be luckier than all git-out. Yor finally gonna get that big hole in yor fence fixed. You might even mosey yor way over to that thar rodeo and ride the steer nobody can tame. Lucky. Lucky. Lucky! Bigger’r Dallas!’”

Well, that’s much better. 

“How about one specifically aimed at my job?”

AI: “At work, your creativity will be off the charts. Unfortunately, your boss might not appreciate your suggestion to replace all office chairs with bouncy castles for ‘improved productivity.’ On the bright side, your bank account is looking healthier than your houseplants – which isn’t saying much, but hey, progress is progress!” 

“Okay AI. I have mixed feelings over that (bouncy castles actually sounds pretty cool). How about one from the year I was born (1957)?” 

AI: “The year you were born? Wow! You’re old!”

“Play nice AI. It’s my editorial piece, not yours.”

“Fine. Your horoscope from back when Moses was around. I don’t know why you didn’t just ask him. ‘You are sympathetic and understanding of other people’s problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a (expletive). Everybody in prison is a cancer.” (Note: This didn’t actually come from AI. I found it on Reddit. It was a horoscope – Cancer – that reportedly ran in a newspaper – unknown origin but there was a clipping offered as evidence – in 1979.)

Me: “I hope you catch a virus.”

AI: “According to my horoscope, I’ll still outlive you.”