My electronic (non)life

Technology and I do not get along. This goes deeper than me being “old” and not understanding it. It actually does not work when I am around.

Some people refuse to believe until they experience it. You can ask Ray because he has experienced it more than once.

Sami is now a believer. Last week she saw how electronic devices react to me in the same way you might react to radioactive beagle poop. Radioactive beagle poop is a real thing thanks to the Federal government’s 20-year experiment with beagles and radioactive dog food. There’s something you know.

Here’s the story behind her conversion.

It begins with the most mundane and yet critically important part of our modern society, the library.

The library has partnerships with a bunch of different outfits where you can get free stuff. See museums and state historical sites for free. Visit websites to borrow free music, audiobooks, comic books, etc. Get you a library card and tap into the wealth that awaits.

I signed up. I really did and Sami can verify this.

It didn’t work. Sami can also verify this. She does not understand. For that matter, neither do I, but I expected it.

I signed up online for the free audiobooks. This required typing in my library card number, which is bigger than the national debt. This took a while because numbers and I have that beagle poop relationship.

Once signed in, I started checking the available titles. Author Brian Sanderson was there. YES! Brian holds the record for the most money ever raised in a Kickstarter campaign. He announced plans to self-publish a book and raised $41 million.

I clicked one of his books.

Nope.

The screen directed me to another website where I had to create an account and sign in. This required another frustrating dance with my library card number. I wondered if handling radioactive beagle poop would be easier.

Account created and signed in. Back to Mr. Sanderson’s book.

It did not let me get the book. The electronic flying monkeys on the other end said my account and password did not exist. Maybe they were subcontracted to handle beagles and could not be bothered with my request.

I went through the “forgot your password” routine. After 5 minutes, I did it again. 5 minutes, again. No love there.

Text message to Sami: As expected <website> will not work.

Sami: I’ll stop by and see you.

Sami walks in. “Mr. Ben I know you are old. I also know you won’t take offense to me saying that,” she said. 

Well of course not. If the truth hurts, yer living wrong. My being old has nothing to do with computers hating me.

I hand her my electronic tether, also know as a smartphone. I give her my email and the password. She punches all this in.

Nope. Says the username and password won’t work. She verifies I have an account. She hits the “forgot your password” button. This is supposed to send a reset to email. I knew what was about to happen. Sami did not.

She did the resent 5 times. Nothing. The electrons were not moving. The flying monkeys were on strike. Beagle poop piles were growing.

“I don’t understand!” she exclaimed.

“Welcome to my electronic life,” I said. “Computers do not work when I am around. I tell people this and they do not believe me. Now, you believe.”

As of this column, I’m still locked out of the system. No free audiobooks for me.

I need an electronic shotgun and some electronic buckshot so I can go hunt some electronic flying monkeys.