Mosquitos. Kissing bugs. Well, this sucks!

Mosquitos suck. Pardon my language.

I can’t help it. Some guys are a “chick magnet” as they say. I’m a mosquito magnet. I kid you not. I can go out in my yard with 100 people then watch as they have fun, fun, fun, while I’m snacked on – picnicked – like a Little Debbie cake. 

I read where mosquitos are “generally” more attracted to Blood Type O. Blood Type A, which is what I have – A-negative – is at the bottom of the barrel while Type B is in the middle. I would disagree. The mosquitoes would testify on my behalf. Bailiff: “Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth?” Mosquito, sipping on a Bloody Mary, three parts Don Moncrief: “Bzzzz …”

True story (or not). Whenever I see the City of Warner Robins’ fogger come through our neighborhood – twice in June (that part’s true), “thank you Jesus” – I fall down and worship it (that part’s not).

Mosquitos. I hate them. They love me, and I’ve always thought they were the worst insect in the world. Come to find out, I was way wrong. Did you know (Warning! It gets a little graphic from here on out!) that a botfly’s larvae would love nothing more than to burrow into your gut (taking great pleasure in your pain in the process of course), then when you try to squeeze it out its body is quite likely going to go “pop” like a pimple leaving bodily fluids inside you that could cause fatal anaphylactic shock!

I know, gross! You’d be better off being attacked by fire ants, which swarm in the thousands and attack all at once or killer bees that will chase you up to a mile just for the joy of stinging you in the eyes and ears and I’m sure they’ve got friends in low places” down low! 

Or maybe have a date with a black widow spider. Brown widow spider. Redback spider. Six-eyed sand spider (stop looking at me like that). Brown recluse. Mouse spider. Or scorpion: Brazilian, Deathstalker, Indian Red, “Fat”-tailed. 

Perhaps picnicking with parasites. A tapeworm will grow several feet in your gut, shed segments of themselves, lay eggs inside you and ugh! ugh! ugh! form cysts that migrate in you in the hopes you will die and rot in the street! Nasty buggers. 

Scabie mites. Screwworm flies (“twisted” little creatures – literally – and their maggot children. “Mommy. Mommy. Can we use our special jaws to rip us some breakfast from this man?”). Australian ticks. Ascaris (think of “live” spaghetti in your tummy). Filarial worms. Guinea worms. Naegleria fowleri, which eat your brains! (All of this is courtesy of the book “The 10 Worst of Everything” by Sam Jordison.)

Triatominae, “kissing bugs”. So, check this out. They, blood suckers as well – in fact they’re also nicknamed “vampire bugs” – come preloaded with some nasty diseases? They’re particularly fond of Chagas disease, which according to the National Library of Medicine, slowly rots your intestines and destroys your heart. 

Triatominae, according to the same source, range from orange to black and are only found in the Americas – Brazil and Mexico – and in Florida. I would dispute that. 

God as my witness, as I was driving home after writing this (this section on Triatominae looked completely different than it does now) and when I had gotten within a mile of my home, a Triatominae bug landed on the driver’s side window of my truck. He stayed there, just enjoying my awesome safe driving habits, until I parked in the driveway and he remained as I sat in my truck refusing to get out. Only when he apparently sensed I was prepared to stay there all night did he fly away. 

Mosquitoes and Triatominae and me. “Blood” relatives.