Is Ollie even real?

“Is he even real?”

That was the question posed by a coworker as we stood over our insert machines in the pressroom and watched as it inserted flyers into the newspapers last week. He was looking at an Ollie’s – “Good stuff cheap” – one and posing the question that has probably been on folks’ minds for a long, long time. I don’t know, let’s say for maybe a couple of minutes at least.

“He may be,” was my response but I knew my great journalistic mind was not going to settle for that. I knew, being the great investigator I was, cut in the same vein as Sherlock Holmes (Hey, he could be Watson!). I mean it was I after all who discovered “good stuff cheap” isn’t cheap if you buy 100 items of the good stuff. It’s also true for dollar stores, I keep telling my wife. But she won’t listen to my wisdom. At any rate, I would not rest, would leave no stone unturned, until I found out the truth. So, I Googled it.

Turns out the great wizard of the emerald internet city is as indecisive as my wife on a Sunday morning trying to pick out which “color” we’re supposed to wear to church that day. “Does this match?” Me, in my thoughts: “Oh no! Not the ‘does this match’ question. We’ll never make it on time now.”

Anyway, left brain Google said he was based on nobody in particular – although, I wonder, whoever came up with him might have been looking at a picture of Albert Einstein – drawn to be cute and funny. (Sort of like I’m trying to be/do right now. My journalism instructor warned “humor” is the hardest thing to pull off. Once again I didn’t listen.) 

Right brain, on the other hand, said he was based upon the image of one of the founder’s, Oliver “Ollie” Rosenberg, a Brooklyn-born, Orthodox Jew who was actually more into real estate, development and investing than retail sales, according to Google (pennlive.com). Hmm. Maybe, but I’m just not getting it. For one, his mustache is nowhere near as full and as bushy as the Ollie on the flyer – and on the storefront, on every poster, sales tag, et cetera, inside … (In fact, my grandmother’s mustache looked more like Ollie’s than this guy, so maybe she was the Ollie image. Hey. She thought it was funny, and if she thought it was funny, I’m pretty sure I can take liberties in portraying it as funny.) 

Two, he doesn’t have the body type. Ollie’s body looks more like Santa Claus’s during the offseason. Rosenberg’s is more on the thinnish side. I couldn’t find a picture of him with his shirt off, but I imagine he has a six-pack under there. You know, like me. Fine. (Like me) He looks frail, with a slight beer belly. (Note: I don’t drink beer.) (Sidenote: I did know a guy in the Air Force who had the same exact body type as Ollie, but I always believed, and will continue to go on doing so, he is secretly the template for Mr. Peanut.)

No help from Google, I turned to the community. (Aka those folks shopping inside the store.)

“Excuse me sir. I’m from the Houston Home Journal. I’m doing an in-depth expose, Pulitzer-prize winning research. Can I ask you: Are you the model for Ollie’s – ‘Good stuff cheap’?”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry. Are you the prototype for Ollie’s – ‘Good stuff cheap’?”

“You better get away from me before I call tell the manager and have you kicked out of here for harassment.”

“Excuse me ma’am …” (Well, her mustache rivaled my grandmother’s.)

Most were like that. Well, three of the four I actually asked. (My wife’s a browser. She looks at everything! I had plenty of time to kill.) The third guy’s response (finally someone with a sense of humor): “Yes. As long as they pay me royalties. I am Ollie’s – ‘Good stuff cheap’.”

So, there you go. Mystery solved. (P.S. A real-life mystery is what was that furry black, walking upright like a man, creature my brother-in-law swears he saw in the woods above Macon where we were deer hunting one day?) Like Melinda Thomas, the Wendy’s girl, Collett Petersen, the Sun-Maid raisin lady, Uncle Ben, Chef Boyardee, Little Debbie (McKee) and even Ronald McDonald – the clown character played by the still-living Willard Scott – he is real. 

Not only that, but to our pride and joy … no longer bragging to the world what we have to offer is just a beautiful water tower (and we do) and 15,000 eating establishments (and we do) … he apparently lives in Houston County.