I can ‘bare’ly watch these reality shows

I was channel surfing one day last week when I came across this: Two people standing there totally in the nude!

That’s right. As Ray Stevens would say: They “was nekkid as a jay bird(s).”

In fact, the only thing keeping them from a complete “show and tell” was the guy (you’re on your own for any mental images conjured up from here) was standing behind a tall wine bottle – about 18 inches from the look of it (see: “on your own”) and the woman was standing behind a long statue of a panther – to cover the lower part – while holding a large red folder – to cover the upper.

Standing next to them was a woman clothed fully. In fact, she looked like she was dressed for a night out on the town. And she was conversing with them and acting (surely emphasis had to be on “acting”) as if it was just as natural as could be. Which I guess in a certain sense it was – unatural that is.

I suppose it could be a great segue to talk about Adam and Eve and sin. But, I’ve got to tell you, if ever a “reality” show looked out of sync with “reality,” this was it. (I also didn’t know whether I needed to show some form of ID or get down on my knees and ask God’s forgiveness for what I’d briefly seen.)

I turned the channel. (O.K. fine. I needed five minutes of “research” for this column.) What was missing (at least for me) I looked up later online.

Come to find out the name of the show is “Buying Naked.” The premise is that of a real estate agent showing/selling to couples looking to find their dream home, and that dream home just happened to be located smack dab right in the middle of a nudist colony. The show airs on TLC.

And get this. According to its website, it not only helps couples with house hunting, it also “offers safety tips for avoiding the household hazards inherent with naked living.”

Really! Finding a place to get out of the cold (or hot … nobody likes a sunburned … well, you know) I can understand. But “safety tips for avoiding household hazards inherent with naked living”? Hmm. Do you really need a reality show to figure that out. I mean, any guy knows: if you walk into an object protruding out at groin high, it doesn’t matter if you’re wearing boxers or briefs made out of Kevlar. It’s going to hurt!

At any rate, I’m not here to debate what they’re peddling – sex sells and all that. (And by the way, if you choose to watch don’t expect to see a whole lot of nudity. Apparently the entire show is done as in the wine bottle/statue/folder scene. Or as its creator describes: “No blurring at all. Just great camera angles and strategically-placed objects around the house.”)

Instead, I want to issue a warning (tongue-in-cheek maybe, but the way I really feel is that this is a serious attack on our moral values … and that it truly is only going to get worse. I know. There’s always the “off” button). We haven’t seen the last of this. “Naked and Afraid” (a reality show where a man and woman live off the land … what I thought a real “nudist” was to start with) and “Buying” are just the beginning.

Pretty soon we’ll have: “Frying Naked” (this is supposed to be the tongue-in-cheek part) featuring your favorite fast-food restaurant employee, an employee who will definitely need those “safety tips.”

NASCAR’s attendance has been down recently. Not after the reality show: “Hying Naked.” Hying, in case you don’t know (I didn’t), means: “to go in haste; speed.” That’s right. Jeff Gordon. Jimmy Johnson. Dale Earnhardt Jr.! Naked! “This just in from NASCAR. Female attendance is up 50 percent!” (Truth be told, most of the fans in the infield won’t notice. I’ve been out there covering stories. Unfortunately, they’re typically only a beer away anyway.)

We’ll have “Plying Naked,” a reality show about plumbers. (Yeah, I’ll admit. The reality of that situation is it’s already pretty revealing.) We’ll have “Spying Naked.” (No explanation needed … except: Where will they store their gadgets?)

And perhaps last of all (although I’ve barely scratched the surface of six-letter words that rhyme with “buying”), we’ll have “Abying Naked,” which very well might be a reality show about me – if God decides punishment is in order for even opening this can of worms. (No pun intended – and “abying,” by the way, means: “to undergo suffering as a penalty.”)

Ray Stevens – genius that he is – once wrote (sung) about a man who “streaked” through a supermarket. He streaked through a gas station. He streaked through a gym. (And Ethel got incensed, mooned and a free shot.)

“He aint crude (Boogity, Boogity);

“He ain’t lewd (Boogity, Boogity);

“He’s just in the mood to run in the nude.”

Oh yes. They call him the “Streak.” And Ray goes on to say if there’s an audience to be found, he’ll be streaking around.

You know what they call that these days: Reality show!

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