Father’s Day, the ‘ties’ that bind

Every year, it’s the same. I imagine it’s the same for all of you dads out there. The day approaches, and the kids start asking: “What do you want for Father’s Day?” Not one to put a lot of thought into it, being the kind of dad who knows he has been blessed by God, if he wants something, he just goes out and buys it. Caught off guard, I typically respond with, “Oh, just whatever you want to get me.” Which means I’ll undoubtedly get a tie. Which is not a bad thing. I love ties. I have at least 50. But this year, I thought it’d be fun to throw them a curve.

Oldest son: “What do you want for Father’s Day?”

“Here.”

“What’s this?”

“Read it.”

“’F4 Phantom Fact Sheet’.”

“That’s what I want for Father’s Day.”

“A fighter jet! Dad what are you going to do with a fighter jet?”

“Fly it to work, of course. I figure I can cut a good hour off – round trip to and from Warner Robins to Perry. I sometimes volunteer to take Albany their papers. I can be there and back in like 15 minutes. I can’t use the missile slots for actual missiles, but I can load them with Houston Home Journals and do some sampling to maybe increase subscriptions by strafing yards and shooting papers at people’s front doors.”

“Dad that’s crazy! And where are you going to land it?”

“The parking lot of course. Those 18-wheelers dropping of supplies seem to manage it pretty well.”

“Where are you going to park it.”

“My parking spot.”

“’Spots’ you mean?”

“We don’t get that many visitors.”

“It is $400,000! I can’t afford that!”

“That’s a steal. An F-16 would cost you $2 million.”

“Can’t I just get you a tie?”

“Okay. Sure. I’ll take a tie.”

Middle son: “What do you want for Father’s Day?”

“Here.”

“What’s this?”

“Read it.”

“’M4 Sherman tank fact sheet’.”

“That’s what I want for Father’s Day.”

“Dad, this is a tank.”

“See. That’s why I tell everyone you’re the smart one.”

“Dad, you can’t own a tank.”

“Arnold Schwarzenegger owns one; why not? ‘Hasta la ballista baby!’”

“Seriously, Dad. What will you do with it?”

“Drive it to work, duh. I figure I-75 traffic won’t be a problem anymore.”

“It’s $250,000!”

“That’s cheaper than a fighter jet.”

“C’mon dad. Can I just get you a tie?”

“Okay, sure. I’ll take a tie.”

Daughter: “What do you want for Father’s Day?”

“Here.”

“What’s this?”

“Read it.”

“’Patek Philippe Nautilus 5726/1A watch’. This is what you want?”

“Yep.”

“Dad. It’s $99,000!”

“I know but look at it. It’s covered in green gemstones. It’s gorgeous. Plus, it’s cheaper than a fighter jet. It’s cheaper than a tank. It’s way cheaper than the Patek Philippe Sky Moon Tourbillon 6002R-001 Chrono 24. It’s $6,197,089.”

“Dad …”

“I know. How about a tie?”

“If that’s okay?”

“Oh sure. You know I love ties.”

Youngest son: “What …”

“… Maison Valentina Mv4327 Ato Koi gold bathtub with sterling silver hot-cold faucet handles … $27,068.04 …”

“… a tie?”

“Sure. You know I love ties.”

So, I’m getting ties for Father’s Day. But that’s okay because I already have what I want. Four kids I know love me. Four kids I know respect me, admire me, and want to be like me … I mean, who wouldn’t want to be modest, humble me … and do anything for me? Well, minus the fighter jet, tank, watch, bathtub …