Defensiveness is a marriage killer

Trying to enjoy a successful relationship with someone who possesses a spirit of defensiveness is more than just a small chore. In a marriage where vows have been taken and commitments have been made, each spouse is to give the relationship their all. A defensive spouse, however, can singlehandedly destroy something that God intends to be beautiful.

There is no gentle way to put it. The truth of the matter is that defensiveness is a sincere relationship saboteur! It is one of those dysfunctional reactions that can be tremendously problematic and can wreak havoc in what otherwise has the potential to be a great marriage. So how do you determine whether this relationship killer resides in you? First, you must be willing to look at yourself with honest and unscaled eyes. It’s much easier to recognize the faults of others. To acknowledge your own requires another level of sincerity.

Let’s all take the test together and see where we stand. If we are having any of the following potentially damaging behaviors on a regular basis, chances are, we are wrestling with a spirit of defensiveness.

When others give you negative feedback or tell you they are upset about something you did, do you respond by: Excusing why you did what you did? Turning the tables on others? Dismissing them or their concern? Justifying your inappropriate actions? Placing blame on someone else or some external factor? Acting as if you’re the wounded party? Going on a tirade about all the great things you do? Refusing to allow the words, “I’m sorry” to depart from your lips?

The reactions of people with chronic defensive attitudes can very closely resemble those of a narcissist. They make themselves the victims when in fact, they are the victimizers. They work hard to place the fault on others instead of taking responsibility for their actions. When it comes to marriage, this type of behavior in a spouse is equivalent to a ticking timebomb. If it’s not defused, it will destroy the marriage’s entire structure.

Healthy relationships require honesty and accountability. We are all fallible. Making mistakes is a part of being human; however, hiding those errors, rationalizing them, or twisting them around on someone else to avoid taking ownership can be toxic to a marriage or any relationship, for that matter. It can even stand in the way of our relationship with God.

In 1 Timothy 6, the Scripture talks about those who don’t agree with the sound doctrine of the Word. “They are conceited and understand nothing,” verse four says. You may wonder how this lines up with defensiveness. How many self-professed Christians do you know that live contrary to the Word of God, and when the error of their ways is brought to their attention, instead of correcting them, they get enraged and charge others with being judgmental.

The way we protect ourselves from feeling hurt or guilt can silently destroy our relationships. As a married individual, if you safeguard yourself by becoming defensive, uninterested, or distant, your covenant is placed on a path of certain death. The way we protect our relationship can be the very thing that wrecks it. In other words, many want to avoid the issues in their relationship by denying the problems exist. It’s a defensive mechanism that ultimately backfires.

Sweeping problems under the carpet is not going to heal the marital ailment. Burying injured feelings can become the invisible spark that kills the relationship. If the hurt feelings do not get voiced, they can turn into anger and bitterness. And if you become defensive—even if it’s just to protect yourself from getting hurt—you are not permitting your spouse to understand how you feel. Instead, you’ll come across as aggressive or even threatening toward them.

Defensive comebacks are often erroneous attempts to escape feelings of failure, inadequacy, pain, etc. In marriage, when covenant partners lapse into defensive behavior, they habitually become stuck in the throes of blame games while simultaneously dismissing the true underlying feelings. It’s like concealing a gunshot wound. The damage will not properly repair without the bullet being removed. If you do not fix the wound (i.e., address the real problem) the core hurt turns into resentment that becomes the silent killer in your relationship.

Defensiveness is a marriage killer, but God is the Marriage Healer. We can trust Him with all our issues, no matter how great or small.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and the founders of the faith-based newspaper, The Royal Trumpet. W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” ™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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