Antique marriage book is a ‘toxic’ read

Woman: “If you were my husband, I’d poison your coffee.”

Man: “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”

Now you see. We don’t want those kinds of marriages happening in Houston County. To that end, I’m here to give you some marriage counseling. Some tips guaranteed (tongue-in-cheek) to make your marriage stronger/better.

For women:

• You should not be slow going to bed, especially so slow that your husband is already asleep. For shame. For shame.
• You should like children.
• You should always be ready to sew on buttons or darn socks. (Those darn socks.)
• You should not go to bed with curlers in your hair or have face cream on your nose, cheeks, et cetera.
• You should dress for breakfast.
• You should be a neat housekeeper – tidy and clean.
• You should have meals on time.
• You should not be a backseat driver.
• You should not put your cold feet on your husband at night.
• You should play a musical instrument, like a piano or violin.
• You should ask your husband’s opinion regarding important decisions and purchases.

For men:

• Give your wife an ample allowance.
• Be polite and mannerly, even when you’re alone with your wife. (Yeah. Even then.)
• Read the newspaper, books or magazines aloud to your wife.
• Don’t snore.
• Phone when you’re going to be late for dinner.
• Don’t belch. Well, you can belch, but be sure to make an apology.
• Don’t compare your wife unfavorably with your mother or other wives.
• Be courteous to your wife’s friends, no matter how obnoxious they may be.
• Help with the dishes.
• Be a steady worker and good provider.
• Leave the car on days your wife might need it.
• Stop bringing up your bachelor days and regrets about being married.

Okay. Don’t shoot me (especially the ladies, for my seemingly flagrant bias toward men). If my list seemed suspicious, it’s actually from a book I found at a local antique store: “A Marriage Manual. A Practical Guide-Book to Sex and Marriage.” Copyright date: 1935.

Reading this book was an experience, to say the least. (I thought it would be a cute addition to my library. I was mistaken.) Understatement, particularly in regard to the “sex” section.

“The Biology of Marriage.” You name it, it’s covered – complete with diagrams. (I know. School textbooks have that covered, but not quite like this.)

“Fitness for Marriage.” Topics: “Fertility, sterility, venereal diseases, chromosome and genes, marriage between relatives.” (Yep, they went there.)

“The Art of Marriage.” Topics: “The ethics of sex. The sex instinct. Sex technique. The nature of the sex act. The first sex act. The art of sex. The sex impulse in the male and the female. The prelude of the sex act. Sexual adjustments. The epilogue to sexual union. The defloration. Artificial defloration.”

That’s just the PG-rated overview. When I read further into those topics, I actually blushed. (Who knew folks in the ‘30s thought about marriage like that?) Some sections—like “Sexual Disharmonies,” “Intercourse During Menstruation,” “The Sexual Impulse in Later Life,” “Premarital Continence,” and others—made me cringe like stumbling into an awkward family moment. (Just to be clear, I don’t actually have any sisters.)

Needless to say, it’s going back to the antique store—or maybe the garbage. It’s one peculiar poison, that’s for sure.