A Wise Woman Once Said…

“Wisdom comes with age.” I’m not exactly sure who to attribute these sage words to, but I like to imagine some little old Southern lady listening to a youngster talk about being an adult and being so grown, and in her true southern lady “bless your heart” moment she reaches over pats their hand and says, “Wisdom comes with age, dear.” In my opinion, the saying is not completely wrong. Yes, there are some people in their teens or 20s who are extremely wise, but true wisdom – wisdom that comes with living, learning, surviving, that like fine wine takes time – that takes age.
At some point in our lives we have heard words of wisdom from many great women. A few of my favorites are: “Never underestimate the power of a girl with a book,” Ruth Bader Ginsberg. “It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them,” Agatha Christie. “The truth will set you free, but first it will p*ss you off,” Gloria Steinem. “I can do things you cannot, you can do things I cannot; together we can do great things,” Mother Teresa. “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” Eleanor Roosevelt. All in my opinion wise women in their own rights. They either paved the way to rights previously denied to women, or fought to gain those rights. They taught love in the face of hate. They taught that a story can be a powerful thing. They taught us to be fearless and never let anyone tell us that we aren’t. I know about all these wise women, because a wise woman taught me about them.
My mother.
My mother was a unique character. She had what I like to call “no filter-itis” – you know, that filter that we are supposed to have that tells us, maybe don’t say that. My mother was apparently born without it. Now she was never mean or rude, she just said what came into her head no matter what. I once asked her why she did that and she said, “They’re either going to like me or not, I don’t have time to waste.” That’s who she was, she wasn’t going to water herself down for anybody. She was who she was and she was proud of that. She wasn’t stuck in her ways, she was pretty well adaptable to change, especially if it meant equality or unlearning bias that she didn’t know she had. She just liked herself for who she was. The woman who was fiercely independent but was a hopeless romantic and still deep down dreamed of the happily ever after. The “some day” planner, some day I’ll travel, some day I’ll go on a vacation.
She had dreams but she was rooted in logic and knew that staying realistic was the best way to go. So of course she ended up with a head in the clouds, super dreamer who falls short of everything she plans, daughter. My mother was wise, so she knew it was her job to pass on lessons and wisdom to help her daughter in the future. She knew she wasn’t meant to curb her daughters dreams but to help foster them no matter how insane or foolish they were, no matter how badly they were going to fail. So she gave me her wisdom. I used to roll my eyes at her little sayings, but now I realize they were her own version of a road map, her little tidbits, lessons, life hacks.
A wise woman once said … “When a fool is fighting with a fool, God doesn’t know who the real fool is.” I remember I once called my mom about a stupid fight I had with my ex-husband and she asked if I argued and fought back. Well of course, she knew who her daughter was, and her famous temper. And she told me those words. She said when they start a fight they are fools, and when you fight back, you are acting like a fool. So who is the bigger fool, who is the real fool? It was her way of telling me that wasting my time and energy on foolish things was not worth it. My energy was better spent.
“Choose love, always choose love and kindness. When you choose love, evil dies, because a little bit of love is worth a thousand pounds of evil, so always choose love.” She believed in the power of love, she believed that loving someone could change the world, she even loved her enemies.
She didn’t have the easiest childhood. In her house love was given as a reward, not as something to give out freely. So she knew as an adult she would always choose to love. The fact that after what she survived in her childhood, she could still find a reason to choose love is a miracle in itself. “That’s the point of parenting to be better than our parents and our kids will do better than us.” We were once talking about raising kids and I told her about something that happened with my daughter and she said, “You are such a better mom than me.” I tried to argue that she was a great mom and she cut me off and said those words. She knew she wasn’t the best mom, she knew she made mistakes, as I did with my 3 kids, we all make mistakes as parents. But she knew that the goal was to break the cycles and do better than her parents, and I did better than her, and my kids will do better than me. That’s the point.
“Remember, never settle for anything less than everything you want.” I called my mom upset one day because another one of my big, over the top plans fell through, as they usually did. And I told her that I should really aim lower, that maybe my problem was that I dreamed too big and wanted too much. I asked for her opinion. And she told me some of my favorite words of wisdom from her. She knew that most of my big plans were going to fail, not because I was at fault, but because life gets in the way. Things happen, best laid plans fail, but she asked me every time something failed if I still wanted it. If I did then she would tell me to rearrange, replan, adjust and try again. If I didn’t want it, then let it go and move on to my next big plan, because I should never settle for anything other than what I want.
Mom has been gone 3 years now and I still hear her voice in my head and her words of wisdom. I say them to my kids and add a few more. They now roll their eyes at, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” and “Be afraid, but do it anyway.” Because I know now they may think mom is annoying and the things she says are such mom sayings, but one day they will be their inner voice.
Because one day I will be gone and won’t be there to give them my words of wisdom.
I give them now, so that one day when they can’t ask me they’ll hear me in their head and my little wise words will help them navigate the world without me by their side. And so I pass these words of wisdom from wise women, on to you my reader so you may use them in your own way.
So that you remember that a wise woman once said “choose love, always choose love.”