The call is coming from inside the house

I was brushing my teeth when I heard a chirping noise come from the next room. My brain did not register the sound at first. It had been a typical Thursday morning and I was getting ready for another day at the office, and I assumed the bird-like noise was a notification on one of the too-many cellphones in my house.

But then I heard it again, louder, and more lifelike than before. “Is there a bird in the house?” I thought to myself as I peered around the corner, toothbrush still at work.

Sure enough, perched on the ceiling fan, was a bird.

I’m no ornithologist, but I think it was a mockingbird. That explains why it sounded like it was making fun of me.

“You let a bird in the house,” I hollered at no one in particular, though with a mouthful of toothpaste it sounded more like “Youph mlet um buhrd ihn da huse.”

As it turns out, my wife had just let the dog out, and the bird must have let itself in during the process. I reopened the door and began a hasty pursuit of the invader. There was no way I could catch it, and my only hope was for it to leave the way it came. My scheme worked, and the bird’s visit came to an end as quickly as it began.

I never even put down my toothbrush. Proper oral hygiene should be a part of everyone’s daily routine.  

And thankfully so, because my wife was no help at all. It is worth noting that my spouse is terrified of birds. When she discovered a flying creature had breached the walls, she backed into the corner, frozen in fear.

The call was coming from inside the house.

Fans of old horror movies will get the reference. It goes back to an urban legend that started circulating in the 1960s. A babysitter in an unassuming subdivision gets repeated, threatening phone calls from a stranger who knows her every move. No matter what she does, the psychopath sees everything and can even predict her next move.

She contacts the authorities who work to trace the source of the phone calls, and, spoiler alert, the calls were coming from inside the house. That myth grew into the plot of a dozen or more films.

No, a bird isn’t a maniacal killer bent on terrorizing others, but try explaining that to my better half. I don’t even keep bird feeders around the house because I don’t want to encourage these critters, as important as they are to any ecosystem, from hanging around longer than they have to.

The National Audubon Society claims that bird watching is good for mental health. Apparently there is research to suggest that regularly observing a bird on the wing brings a sense of calm and rejuvenation, helping improve brain function.

That may be so, but let’s keep it outside next time.