Where have all the Popeyes gone?

For extra spice, sing the title to the tune of “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?” by Paula Cole. 

For a time in college, I was on a mission to find out which fast food restaurant sold the best chicken sandwich. I could have googled it and let it go, but that was way too easy. I had to try them all.

My hometown, Grand Junction, Colorado, was filled to the brim with chain restaurants, so it wasn’t like I didn’t have a good sampling of sandwiches. So, about once a week, normally Thursday for some reason, I would buy a different one. After trying a bunch of spots, I found that Popeyes was the best. (Sorry, Chick-fil-a.)

Since then, I’ll admit I’m not a fan of fast food. Sure, it’s quick and what I order is cheap, but I feel sluggish and kind of sick after eating it. 

When the craving does hit, I’ll either hit up Cook Out or Taco Bell. But one day, I was really craving chicken. Since there’s a Popeyes in Perry, I made my way down Sam Nunn, ready to reunite with my long lost college love. 

Imagine my surprise when I found nobody at the store. Curious, I searched up Popeyes and found all locations in middle Georgia were closed! Apparently, the only one that’s open is on Robins Air Force Base. 

Imagine that interaction with security:

“ID?”

“Hi, yes, I’d like one admission into Robins Air Force Base, please. I don’t work here, but I have a good reason, promise.”

“And what would that be, ma’am?”

“All the Popeyes are closed, and I’m really craving a chicken sandwich.”

“Go home, ma’am.”

“Okay…”

You know how you don’t miss things until they’re gone? Now I have found myself in that predicament. I can’t stop thinking about the goodness that is Popeyes chicken sandwiches. I’m entering a poultry psychosis. A chicken-induced coma. I quit smoking, and those cravings were easier to deal with than this.

So, what’s a hungry journalist to do? I’m going to do what I do best — write. In this case, a strongly worded letter to corporate:

Dear Popeyes,
Let me express my severe dissatifaction with your decision to deprive the middle Georgia area of the absolute goodness that is Popeyes chicken sandwiches.
Are you forgetting that we have Zaxby’s and Chick-fil-a? KFC even makes them, and although those ones taste like school cafeteria food, anything is better than this. 
I only allow myself a select few times that I eat fast food because I get a tummyache. At this point, I would endure a thousand tummyaches to taste Popeyes’ crispy perfectly fried chicken, juicy pickles, a nice dollop of mayonnaise, all on a buttered brioche bun. 
I sincerely hope you will reconsider your decision to keep these stores in limbo. In the meantime, I will be trying — and probably failing — to recreate the goodness at home. 
Sincerely,
One insanely ravenous writer