A ‘change’ in my beliefs

My child is transgender.

Yeah. I really don’t know what comes after that.

I’m a pastor – you might have noted that from a previous story/column. I used to think what “comes after that” was to stand firm on my beliefs “against.” And in fact, for a number of years I did exactly that.

“Stand on my beliefs.” Well, that begs further explanation. Not for most. Maybe. Perhaps you heard it preached from the pulpit. Perhaps a Sunday School or a church small group teacher taught it, passed it on, addressed it – whatever term applies. Perhaps you heard it on social media or the news media or wherever, that there are certain Bible verses that can be used – are being used – to denounce it. Everything from “it’s an abomination to the Lord” to “well … you know … He just doesn’t … you know … like it … It’s a sin …” 

I was just of the belief: “God doesn’t make mistakes (still believe He doesn’t … me, on the other hand),” and “… male and female He created them …” (Genesis 5:2).

So, I stood on my beliefs. Not hammered it down “his” – transitioning from female to male – throat. Not constantly pointing it out, expressing disappointment, belittling, disrespecting, pointing my finger. None of that. I was just trying to be a good “father” while at the same time making every effort to be an “uncompromising” pastor. I should add. I actually didn’t have to spell out what I believed. He already knew. For many years – into his late teens – he attended church, and for many years, he was, as they say, “on fire for the Lord.” Now, he was just quote, unquote: “the prodigal son.” So, he knew. Which, I’ll also add, just made things worse.

At any rate. I stood on my beliefs. And here’s what it got me. I watched as my child, day by day, fell deeper and deeper into depression. My spirit grieved as on the outside he was an honor student, friendly, kind, sociable, but on the inside – when he got home and retreated to the farthest corner of his room – he was spiraling, for months, then a year, then approaching two, down a dark, dark, hole. My heart was literally breaking, being torn apart, as I concluded what I believed would one day be the truth. My child was going to commit suicide!

At some point, something inside me began screaming. A voice that would not shut up. “Something is very, very, very, off about this.” “It’s your beliefs that are causing the chaos.” “It’s your beliefs that are destroying any chance he – you and he in fellowship/relationship with each other – has of peace!” “It’s your beliefs that are leading him down the path of destruction!” “Is this really what God wants?” “Is this really His will? For you? For him?”

That was the day, whichever day it was, I chose “unconditional love.” The day I proclaimed: “I am going to love my child first and foremost, unconditionally. And what happens, happens.”

So, that’s what I did. Where I am today. “Who” I am today. A father who has resorted back to his basic instincts. I will love my child unconditionally. Protect my child. Die for my child if I need to die for my child.

“But what about your beliefs?! Don’t you realize what would happen if you didn’t stand for your beliefs?!” No. Tell me. Because it hasn’t happened yet. And I still feel God’s love. Even more, I believe. (Ha. If He wanted to reduce me to ash, truth is I’ve given Him way better reasons than this.)

Truth is my beliefs have changed. Actually, I believe they are now more true to God’s Word – His heart – than they were before. Those verses people use for instance – Old Testament verses. Did you know? Sure. They can be interpreted to justify condemnation, disapproval, sin. But there’s just as much likelihood they’ve been taken out of context and can have a totally different meaning when placed in context. 

I’m not saying this isn’t a sin. But I’m also not saying when you gossip about somebody, tell a lie, deceive someone, don’t tell people about Jesus’ love for them – His heart for the hurting, the oppressed, the lowly; the gospel (hint, hint, church) – that that “isn’t” a sin.

And didn’t Jesus love unconditionally? I mean wasn’t that what the cross was all about? He didn’t say: “Hey. Get your life together and then I’ll die for you.” It is through His blood we are justified. Nothing else. We cannot earn salvation! Churchy folks know that.

“But what about repentance? Repentance ‘is’ also part of the gospel. You cannot take it out of the gospel (unlike that “He gets us” commercial.) When the scribes and Pharisees brought the adulterer to Jesus and they wanted to stone her, He says, ‘Let him who is without guilt cast the first stone,’ and then they walk away – in their shame – Jesus tells her: ‘Go and sin no more.’” 

Yep. He sure did. That sir, that ma’am, is grace! And when you truly understand grace, grace moves you to “Go and sin no more.” Well, did it? In your life? I thought so. Still a work in progress, aren’t you?

So, here’s the deal. We can discuss it, debate it. You can Letter to the Editor to condemn me, “straighten out” all my blasphemy. I don’t much care.

All I know is “my son was lost but now is found” (Luke 15:24 … never thought it’d be “literal”, but so be it.) Meaning: He was dying on the inside. He was on his way to the grave. Now I can go to bed at night without fear I’ll wake up the next morning to find he has taken his life.

Is it perfect? Heck to the no! We’ve been working on some things (like how come I’ve got to respect your beliefs, and you don’t have to respect mine,) and we’ve still got more on our radar. (If he ever tells me he believes he’s a cat? Nah, we’re back to square one.) (P.S. It also doesn’t help he has been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder; another column for another day.)

At the end of the day, I’m left with where I started and still trying to figure out what “comes after that”. But now with a little more excitement, a little more joy, a little more longing, a little more anticipation at knowing. 

My child is transgender.