The importance of love in marriage

Valentine’s Day just passed. Over the past few days, flower shops, candy stores and balloon manufacturers have probably made more money than they’ll make again … until Mother’s Day, that is. Love within some relationships has been watered down to one or two days out of the year. Valentine’s Day, anniversaries and maybe, birthdays. It’s a pretty sad commentary.

By no means is there anything wrong with commemorating special occasions such as these. Doing so is a wonderful practice but displaying and exchanging love — especially within a marriage — should be done every day. Imagine a relationship wherein your spouse endeavors to treat you special all year ’round!

Countless married people across the globe have been sold a bill of goods! “Happily, ever after” has been made out to be something that happens miraculously. People have been led to believe that all it takes is love. Often times, it is never explained to couples the amount intentional effort that is required in order to understand and serve one another in everyday life.

How deeply, freely and selflessly one loves is a choice. It can be challenging for an individual to set apart his or her own opinion and truly hear their spouse’s differing perspective. It’s essential to be equipped with the necessary skills, such as how to articulate emotions without hurting our spouse or how to calm our emotions so we don’t falsify reality and “throw shade” when communicating with our spouse.

In relationships, we usually say things like, “I love you” or “I want to be with you.” While these declarations sound good to the hearer, it’s not uncommon for the focus—of the one saying it—to primarily be on the “I” part of the comparison. From the time we are born, we are selfish by nature. Babies couldn’t care less that their mothers need sleep, or their daddies need a little peace and quiet. A baby wants what he or she wants regardless of who it inconveniences.

In relationships, however, we can’t have an infantile mindset, we must have an intentional mindset. True love, in a healthy marriage, focuses on meeting the needs of our spouse and not selfishly meeting our own. Falling in love is only the beginning. It’s the first step in an amazing journey where two people become one. “Bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Genesis 2:23). Love is powerful! Much of what we see being shared between men and women today is not God’s definition of love. That’s why it’s so easy for many to stray and be unfaithful.

It is vitally important to be mindful that love and infatuation are two very different things. Infatuation is basically a state of being completely carried away by blind passion. It’s something that usually occurs at the beginning of a relationship when sexual attraction is central and vanishes just about as quickly as it appears. It’s comparable to a kid being excited about a new toy, and then quickly becoming bored by it and tossing it aside. With infatuation, walking away is usually not difficult. In stark contrast, love is a feeling of intense affection for another person. Although physical attraction is generally present, it is not the driving force. The layers of true love run much deeper than the external.

The dictionary describes love as is a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person. A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection. On the other hand, it describes infatuation as “a foolish and usually extravagant passion or admiration.” It also depicts it as “temporary adolescent love.”

The world tends to use the word “love” very loosely. It’s tossed around like lettuce in a salad. “I love your hair!” “I love pizza!” “I love yellow!” “I love New York!” The list is endless. The significance of true love can easily be diminished due to the overuse of the word.

So, what does the Word of God say about love? Biblically speaking, love has nothing to do with physical gratification or satisfying sexual urges, neither is it about having a fondness for worldly things. Biblical love comes from the mind and the depths of the soul. Not only that but when it comes to marriage, it is reflective of the love God has given to us, demonstrated in the love that we give to one another as husbands and wives.

For certain, genuine love isn’t just an emotion. It is a decision, a dedication. It’s the action of intentionally choosing to devote ourselves and strengths to making our loved one happy. Of all the traits that contribute to a healthy, happy marriage, love is first and foremost on nearly every person’s list. The Bible dedicates an entire chapter to the subject of love.

The first seven verses of 1 Corinthians 13 (NTE) put it like this: “If I speak in human languages, or even in those of angels, but do not have love, then I’ve become a clanging gong or else a clashing cymbal. And if I should have prophetic gifts, and know all mysteries, all knowledge, too; have faith, to move the mountains, but have no love – I’m nothing. If I give all my possessions to the poor, and, for pride’s sake, my very body, but do not have love, it’s useless to me. Love’s great-hearted; love is kind, knows no jealousy, makes no fuss, is not puffed up, no shameless ways, doesn’t force its rightful claim, doesn’t rage or bear a grudge, doesn’t cheer at others’ harm, rejoices, rather, in the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, love hopes all things, endures all things.”

This speaks volumes about the power of love and what it can do to help maintain a relationship. A covenant with this level of love is what turns a good partnership into a great one. It’s the difference between an ordinary marriage and an extraordinary marriage. God’s definition of love makes all the difference in the world.

To put it all in perspective, love is important in marriage because GOD is important in marriage. Scripture tells us in no uncertain terms that God is love (1 John 4:8). Love, based on the Word of God is a perfect steadfast, unwavering and uniting love. Those of us who know God as our personal Savior—those of us who are “kingdom couples”—belong to Jesus and have received God’s love. Therefore, we are equipped to share it by choosing to love our spouse as God commands. We do that by remembering that in Christ, we are, and have, everything we need for a successful marriage. Because of God, we are free to give our husband or wife everything we’ve got.  That’s what it feels like to have true freedom to love. No limits. No holds barred. That’s real joy…and that’s biblical love! 

The importance of love in marriage is infinite. After all, marriage is always a divine preparation and without love, we would never be able to have the drive, attention, selflessness and patience it takes to make your relationship a lasting success.

“And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love” (1 Corinthians 13:13, NKJV).

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Byron, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and guest hosts of the former television talk show, “The Marriage Circle Connection.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” ™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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