The grace of God in marriage

My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.” Those are the words spoken by the Lord in 2 Corinthians 12:9.

What is grace? Grace, in its purest form, is unmerited favor. Another way of saying this is, “to show grace is to present kindness toward someone who does not deserve it.” In our weakest moments, those moments when we are most likely to make errors in judgement, God said that’s when His grace kicks in. When we are weak, He becomes our strength.

Marriages flourish on compassionate responsiveness. Grace is not saying the other partner is right. It’s not even letting that partner off the hook. Grace is loving someone unconditionally and giving them the benefit of the doubt. It is the ability to love in spite of. Grace is choosing to be devoted even though you know the other spouse wronged you. Everyone grapples with grace. The only person who fully perfected it is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Does grace abound in your marriage? That’s one of those “take-an-honest-look-at-yourself-in-the-mirror” questions. And once the question has been asked, an honest answer is required. The answer, sometimes, goes down like a bitter pill. And here’s the honest truth. The primary reason that grace is foreign in many marriages is because one or both spouses have not experienced the grace of God. Not because God is withholding it, mind you. The grace of God is right there for them to receive, but they’ve not experienced it because they have not petitioned God for it. They have not prayed to Him. They’ve not asked it of Him. Perhaps, they don’t even believe in Him.

The grace of God is mindboggling. And once we have experienced this extravagant level of mercy from God, we will definitely have the strength to turn around and express it with our covenant partner. Our marriage should be the first place we seek to exercise the grace of God. We need that type of extraordinary kindness. It is imperative if a marriage is to thrive. Oddly enough, many people will more quickly extend grace to others before they will to the one they claim to love the most.

Oftentimes, we show grace toward our children, friends, even strangers. We’ll cut them some slack, but we expect our spouse to meet our expectations at all times; no exceptions and no room for error. Don’t misunderstand what we’re saying here. Grace is not a pass for mistreatment and abuse from the person to whom you’re married. No way! You should indeed expect more from your spouse than you do the average person. You should not feel loved or supported by anyone more than your spouse. Your husband or your wife should speak to you more sweetly than they do anyone else and treat you more gently than anyone else. And you should return the same. However, when human errors (not blatant sins) are committed in marriage, they should be met with grace.

The first step in extending grace is recognizing every human needs it…including me and including you! Knowing that, we must consider our partner’s God-given personality, the environment in which they were raised and their current walk with God. Once again, we make no excuses for spousal abuse. Regardless of the environment in which a person was raised, it gives no validity for verbal, emotional or physical abuse. None whatsoever. And no husband or wife is expected to tolerate being beaten, berated, or belittled.

Let’s keep it in perspective. We are addressing the issues that arise between kingdom couples who love each other and love God, but in the eyes of their spouse, they fall short in some areas—some falling shorter than others. The truth is that sometimes our expectations of one another can be unreasonable. When that’s the case, the very needs we want our spouse to meet, will never be met. Why? Because only God can fill that particular void. Releasing your partner from these unfair and unrealistic expectations will bless not only them – but you as well.

Grace includes new desires and aspirations and a turning to God with our disappointments and trusting Him to meet all our needs. Grace releases our marriage from criticism of each other’s inadequacies or complaints about unmet needs and replaces that disappointment with the joy of the Lord. And the Bible says, “the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10). There’s that word “strength” again. We started out by showing you where God said His grace is enough (sufficient) and that His strength is made perfect in weakness. Grace provides fortitude.

Much of what hurts or disappoints us in marriage is caused by an absence of grace. Without grace, bonds weaken and become unstable. Simply extending grace to your spouse can do wonders to strengthen your marriage bond, transforming it into a union where both you and your spouse can be healthy, whole and happy.

Understand grace. It’s that thing that makes you desire the best for your spouse, even when he or she may not deserve it. If you are really going to love your wife or your husband like God wants you to, you will need to follow God’s example of giving grace. Habitually reflect on the incredible grace that God has given to you through Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross. Then let this thankfulness necessitate you to let God’s love flow through you, inspiring you to love others—especially your spouse—gracefully.

Recognize the graceless ways you presently see your spouse and replace those misrepresented perspectives with the truth. Ask God to reveal to you all the ways that you are limiting the love you express to your spouse or tying your love to conditions that he or she must meet before receiving it. Ask God to help you shift your focus from trying to guard and protect yourself in your marriage, to doing what is in the best interest of your husband or wife. Your Heavenly Father can and will teach you how to view your spouse from His perspective.

Contemplate the countless points of frustration in your marriage from annoying habits to differing opinions about issues that are matters of personal preference. Then pray about each one specifically, asking God to help you avoid quibbling with your life mate and to empower you to let minor frustrations go so they will not cause unnecessary stress in your union.

Forgive often. Obey God’s command to forgive your spouse whenever he or she hurts or offends you, and rely on God’s help throughout the process. Do not let resentment and bitterness build up in your marriage. If you do, it will surely block the flow of grace between you. Instead, make a habit of forgiving so God’s grace can stream freely, like a refreshing water brook, within your marriage.

All healthy-minded people are motivated by a need to know that they are secure. Pledge to meet this need for your spouse by giving him or her grace. Grace is like a security blanket. It comforts. It calms. It soothes.

Dedicate yourself to meeting your spouse’s needs whenever you can, whatever the cost. Recognize the unique personality that God has created for your spouse. Encourage and help your spouse do what he or she does best to maximize their God-given potential. Take an interest in things that are important your husband or wife and celebrate victories and mourn defeats with him or her. Show your spouse consistent affection (such as through hugs, kisses and love notes, to name a few). Make yourself consistently available for intimate encounters with your spouse, ready to express unconditional love freely together.

The need to know that we are significant, that we have essential worth, and value propels everyone in life. Help meet your spouse’s need for significance by encouraging him or her to join you in seeking ways you can serve together to build God’s kingdom on earth. We are all led by a need to know we have the strength required to face whatever life brings our way. That strength comes from our confidence in Jesus’ power to lead, sustain and protect us in all of life situations.

When we make a daily habit of placing our trust in Jesus and encouraging our spouse to do the same, we, in essence, invite Christ to pour strength into our marriage. Encourage your spouse to use his or her God-given abilities to accomplish great successes and to pursue a life of adventure with you by the GRACE OF GOD.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Houston County, the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships,” and guest hosts of the television talk show, “The Marriage Circle Connection.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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