The blending of lives in marriage

Where do you end, and where does your spouse begin? It’s a new year and a great time to make a resolution to learn something about taking two lives and blending them together in marriage. Doing this is often much easier said than done.

Let’s be real. Early in the relationship, many don’t know or even bother to care to know the answer to our opening question. It’s an unfortunate truth that at the onset of a courtship and even in the early months of a marriage, one or both individuals tend to present their best selves to the other, even when that “best self” is not their “true self.” Eventually, living this dishonesty will prove to be a problem.

Often, in new relationships, one or both partners make the mistake of pretending to be willing to contribute to everything. They want to entice the other person and be perfect in their eyes, so they act like they want to share in duties and like they have similar aims and goals that would create a basis for the future. But when it’s not authentic, that false pretense may lead to feelings of lost identity. They feel a loss of self or unfairly constrained.

When two truly become one as directed by God, there’s a unique beauty in that marriage that can’t be matched. That doesn’t mean the couple doesn’t face adversity; it just means because the marriage is rooted, grounded and anchored in Christ, the trouble won’t dim the covenant’s shine.

There is no denying our individuality. No two people in the world have the same fingerprint. Even identical twins have different DNAs. It has been repeatedly proven that God created each of us as unique individuals, so no matter how cohesive we become when we join in holy matrimony, we will never lose who we are if our marriage lines up with God’s Word. Our Creator has provided a way for two people to come together without losing their identities. This crafting and joining together takes a wealth of love, selflessness and patience, but God gave us the best example in His creation of us.

“You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed” (Psalm 139:13-16, NLT).

It is with this same level of meticulous thoroughness that God molded marriages. If you’re over-the-moon excited about being “knitted together” with your spouse, that’s a wonderful thing! There’s no denying the joyous emotions that come along with being in love and sealing it in marriage, but we should know that it’s also OK to recognize that there is a wide range of other emotions that are totally normal to experience about this sanctity. And one of those is the transitory feeling of losing your individuality.

Whether you’re recently married, or you’ve been wed for several years, simply being in a committed relationship can cause you to feel more like a “we” than a “me.” That’s very understandable. After all, two lives that were once separate have now interconnected to share experiences, goals, dreams and futures. As married couples we share beds, bills and bank accounts. Traditionally, we even share the same last name. When looking at the entire picture, it’s easy to see how people who were once independent in every way may experience a period of adjustment anxiety.

Just know that God honors marriage; it was one of His earliest designs. In Genesis 1:27-28, He instituted it and gave it His blessing. In Genesis 2:18, He created humans with an innate need for the close bond that marriage provides. And in Genesis 2:23-24, the first man and woman God created became one; yet, never did Adam or Eve lose their identity.

Once we fully embrace the fact that “oneness” has been a part of God’s plan for marriage from the very beginning, we’ll understand that covenant doesn’t bury us in our spouse; instead, it blends us with our spouse.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and the founders of the faith-based newspaper, The Royal Trumpet. W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” ™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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