The black hole

In a family phone call this week, Maryl mentioned that she and Jim had just replaced the pink toilet in their house that they bought from my brother Michael. In a discussion about the age of the pink toilet, Michael mentioned that the toilet was bought in the 1990s. 

I was curious about that, as pink toilets were often associated with MCM style homes, circa 1945-1969. Michael mentioned that it was entirely possible he bought it used. That made sense because even in the 1990s, I don’t think pink toilets were a thing.

I built a house in 2004, into which I had installed a black toilet downstairs. No one would use that toilet, and in hindsight, I understand why. What a dumb idea!

There is something strangely curious about this trait, but humans generally want to view their deposits. Dogs don’t. Cats don’t. Pigs, cows, horses, nay, all the farmyard critters just drop and keep going. The always accurate Internet says no other animal inspects its own offerings. But we humans are curious creatures, we overwhelmingly look.

Now those of us more aged will look in the bowl for health reasons. Blood or worms mainly. But it turns out that 83 percent of adults look in the bowl sometime or all the time. So it’s not just health reasons, we are just curious. And it’s really hard to satisfy that curiosity if you have a black porcelain throne.

My kids offered that it was “a black void,” or they were afraid what might be in the bowl that they couldn’t see, like a snake. One used a flashlight before sitting down. One mentioned that she and her best friend used to make potions in that bowl. Supernatural concerns abound when you are dealing with teenagers. So, no, the black toilet was, literally a “no go.”

One last thing while I’m on the subject. You cannot lose 10 pounds by going to the john. On average, your deposit weighs about four ounces. Don’t ask me how I know.

Kelly Burke was born in Knoxville where he spent his younger years, followed by high school years in Atlanta where he graduated from Georgia Tech and Mercer Law School. He has been in private practice, a magistrate judge, and an elected district attorney. He writes about the law, politics, music, and Ireland. He and his wife enjoy gardening, playing with their Lagotto Ramanolo named George Harrison, and spending time with their grandchildren. To see this column or Kelly’s archives, visit www.kellyrburke.com. You can email Kelly at dakellyburke@gmail.com.