The best love comes on a platter

It is an intentional choice made one moment at a time that pays dividends over the long haul. Ultimately, this approach to our marriages will transform our relationships, but more importantly, it will transform “us.” Serving love turns us into the kind of spouse that stops being so concerned about “my rights” and “my needs” and far more concerned with the welfare of “us.”

The revelation to a lasting love is serving our partner’s needs and helping our spouse feel honored and appreciated. There should never be an out-of-order sign hanging on our minds when it comes to our servitude to our spouse. The Word of God states, “As every man (spouse) hath received the gift, even so minister (serve) the same one to another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God” (1 Peter 4:10). “The greatest among you will be your servant…” (Matthew 23:11).

Love that serves involves honoring your spouse to the degree that you purposefully pursue to learn and meet his or her needs, even placing those needs before your own. Serving your spouse in this way helps them feel admired and respected.

When you said, “I do,” perhaps a significant part of your marriage dream—whether conscious or subconscious—was that your new soulmate would meet your needs. You wanted a spouse who understood your basic human desires—physical, emotional, relational and spiritual.

Have those expectations been satisfied? Are you experiencing serving, or is there a proverbial out-of-order sign on the door of your marriage? None of us is superior to Jesus. He served, so none of us is above serving. We cannot avoid His example. Furthermore, none of us can afford to miss out on the blessing Jesus promised to those who minister to others through serving love. And couples who desire to build a lasting covenant must practice serving love.

A common problem we see in relationship coaching is couples that are obsessed with assessing their service for each other in reciprocal portions. It’s a mistake to aim to perform according to the erroneous, “50/50 rule,” which basically creates an “I’ll-meet-your-needs-if-you-meet-mine” attitude. In this perception, spouses keep score so that one person never gets or gives more than the other.

The objective should be to meet each other on common ground as teammates, not as opposing competitors. There is no room for selfishness in marriage. We all love to have our needs met. There is nothing wrong with that. However, the entitlement comes when we focus solely on being served, instead of serving. There’s a better way. It’s the “100/100 rule;” God’s design for a husband and wife.

Deeply rooted within each of us is a desire to understand and be understood, to honor and be honored. If a marriage has a deficiency of need-discovering and need-meeting love, feelings of disappointment give way to frustration and conflict. A lack of serving love leaves needs unmet and keeps couples far from the pleasure God has planned for their marriage.

Serving love is a choice. If you want to experience a great marriage, adopt a lifestyle of serving your spouse. When each spouse chooses to do this for the other, it makes a world of difference. Implementing servitude can change a couple’s whole attitude about how marriage should be. Our sinful culture’s attitude of “What can you do for me?” is not God’s design for covenants. It is an infection that will destroy a marriage because your spouse will never perfectly meet your expectations. However, when we flip the “What can you do for me?” to “How can I best serve you?” the scorekeeping should become irrelevant.

True love is sacrificial, and if you want to become a better lover, you’ll learn to serve your spouse daily. Serving is the ultimate sacrifice. It means laying down our lives for someone else.

The Word of God says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others (spouse) above yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).

In one of Apostle Paul’s letters to the people of Ephesus, he offered solid marriage advice: “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” The word submit also means “to serve.” When you have a servant’s attitude toward your spouse, you are literally acting like Jesus. Serving is your choice: you can choose to be either a servant lover or a selfish lover.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Byron, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and the founders of the faith-based newspaper, The Royal Trumpet. W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” ™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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