The advantage of being me

The advantage of being me is that I can say the darndest things but the outrage over my words gets lost in next week’s diatribe. So here I go, appearing to be a sexist pig because I admit to a fondness for sexy women. I’ll run down some of my all-time favorite starlets, musicians, and famous ladies whom I consider the sultriest women of all time, with a short explanation of why.

#10 Grace Kelly – besides being Princess of Monaco, with all the trappings that brings, what got her on my radar was her role in Rear Window, the Alfred Hitchcock thriller with Jimmy Stewart. Grace is so pretty, sophisticated, and concerned for her boyfriend (Jimmy’s character) that she caught my eye and made this one of my favorite movies.

#9 Maria Muldaur – unknown to many, her big hit (in ’73) was “Midnight at the Oasis,” which was a sultry, swampy song that was amazingly suggestive for that era. An example is “you won’t need no camel … when I take you for a ride.” As a 15-year-old boy, my idea of how things ought to have been with girls was Muldaur. Instead, I was more like the young man in Paul Simon’s “Kodachrome”: “If you took all the girls I knew when I was single, and brought them all together for one night, I know they’d never match my sweet imagination, everything looks worse in black and white.”

#8 Barbara Stanwyck – orphaned at age 4, never finished high school, she became the highest paid woman in the United States in 1944. For me, Barbara was the epitome of an all-purpose gal. She was beautiful yet tough, outspoken but sweet. I really enjoyed her 60-year career where she was everything from the glamorous lady to the domineering boss. Favorite movie- Christmas In Connecticut.

#7 Linda Ronstadt – the crooner she was, putting a gorgeous voice on many classics from “Blue Bayou” to “Girls Talk.” I tried to start a Ronstadt Fan Club in Atlanta, to no avail, but she was the object of my affections for a few years. She lost me when she started dating Moonbeam Jerry Brown. Girls Talk has a perfect lyric to describe me: “you may not be an old-fashioned guy, but you’re gonna get dated…”

#6 Ingrid Bergman – I was first drawn to her sex appeal in Casablanca, one of my faves. She was so cute and sweet, but was integral to the love story that Casablanca was. She had that look.

#5 Kathleen Turner – she made my list primarily for her role in Body Heat, a 1981 legal thriller. No other movie had “the Rule Against Perpetuities” as its basis. Kathleen was so seductive and she would have ensnared me easily in her web of deceit. Mainly, she was HOT!

#4 Olivia Newton-John – her voice was so soft and smooth, such easy listening. Then came “Physical!” Music videos have never been the same since she drenched the stage in sweat in her ultimate workout. “There’s nothing left to talk about ‘less it’s horizontally.’” That’s what I’m talking about!

#3 Audrey Hepburn – Boom! She epitomized sweet, naive, classy, and smart. Her real-life story is amazing on its own, but her on-screen roles were masterful. She had a timeless look and incredible style that made enthralled me and I still watch whatever she was in.

#2 Donna Reed – A beautiful Midwestern girl, her claim to fame in my heart was her role as Mary Hatch Bailey in It’s A Wonderful Life, my all-time favorite movie. The glow on her face and the sparkle in her eyes when she embraced George Bailey is simply the most wonderful thing to see. George had it all right there in Bedford Falls, but he wanted more. Mary anchored him and made his life worth living right where he was. That’s what a happy couple needs, contentment at home. Be happy where you are.

#1 Mary Ann Gallaher Burke – take all the best from each lady above, mash them together and you get my lovely wife. Enough said.

Kelly Burke, master attorney, former district attorney and magistrate judge, is engaged in private practice. He writes about the law, rock’n’roll and politics or anything that strikes him. These articles are not designed to give legal advice, but are designed to inform the public about how the law affects their daily lives. Contact Kelly at kelly@burkelasseterllc.com to comment on this article or suggest articles that you’d like to see and visit his website www.kellyrburke.com  to view prior columns.