Something in the Air

Recently I’ve seen several career openings that provided comical relief. My favorite goes to the Free State of Florida, which admittedly gets a lot more right than they get wrong. Florida is about to outlaw chemtrails! That is the headline at least.

So I had to inquire. I asked my AI search engine, what is a chemtrail? It said: “A chemtrail (short for chemical trail) is a term used in a conspiracy theory that claims some of the trails left by high-flying aircraft are actually chemicals being deliberately sprayed into the atmosphere for undisclosed purposes—like weather control, population control, or mind manipulation.” 

It explained further: “In reality, what people see in the sky are called contrails (short for condensation trails). These are harmless, and form when hot, humid air from jet engines mixes with the colder, lower-pressure atmosphere, causing water vapor to condense into ice crystals.”

Never one to let facts get in the way of a good column, I pursued the issue, and this much is true—Florida will create a toll-free hotline so callers can report any attempts by The Illuminati to mysteriously seed the atmosphere. Now, the obvious situation that you and I see, but the fine legislators in Florida don’t, is that there is no way to distinguish a chemtrail from a contrail. So I want to get a state salary, hopefully a condo on a beach, and a Tesla as well, to man that hotline.

FTFH monitor: “Good morning, this is the Florida Toll-Free Hotline to Report The Unlawful Seeding of our beautiful Florida Atmosphere by People Bent on Doing Us Harm. How may I help you?” 

CC (concerned citizen): “Yeah, this is Elmer Fudd, here in Happenstance, FL, close to Tallahassee, and I want to report someone spraying chemicals in our air.”

FTFH: “What did you see, sir?”

CC: “I seen white chemtrails from a high-flying jet. It’s up there right now over my alpaca farm. Probably spraying mind-altering fluoride but I’m not sure. Scramble a F-14 and intercept it while you can!”

FTFH: “Sir, how do you know it’s a chemtrail and not a contrail?”

CC: “Err, what’s that?” 

FTFH: “Sir, a contrail follows almost every high-altitude jet. It’s simply ice crystals.”

CC: “So why do you answer this hotline if you are a denier? You aren’t scrambling the jets, are you?”

FTFH: “Not just yet. I guess it could be an illegal chemtrail. I’ll make a report. So, you want your case number?”

CC: “I do!”

FTFH: “It’s 2025LUN-A-TIC1256. ”

CC: “Thank you. He’s disappearing from sight but if you scramble them jets, you can catch him before he reaches the state line.”

FTFH: “We are on it, sir. I’d suggest you wear a gas mask for the rest of the day.”

CC: “I usually do.”

FTFH: “Yes sir, I assumed as much. Goodbye.”

Florida is cutting-edge in many ways. Our Georgia Legislature is pretty blasé by contrast. 

Kelly Burke was born in Knoxville where he spent his younger years, followed by high school years in Atlanta where he graduated from Georgia Tech. He then graduated from Mercer Law School. He has been in private practice, a magistrate judge, and an elected district attorney. He writes about the law, politics, music and Ireland. He and his wife enjoy gardening, playing with their Lagotto Ramanolo named George Harrison, and spending time with their grandchildren.