Recognizing detrimental coping practices

Cast all your anxiety upon him for he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7, NIV).

Stress is a major issue in the world today. According to the American Psychological Association, nearly half of all Americans admit that stress negatively affects their relationships. That includes marriages.

The causes of stress are limitless, but the most general are associated with finances and work. Some stress points are reasonable while others are connected to ungodly pride and idolatry. Regardless of where it comes from, give it to God.

Christians are not immune from dealing with life’s pressures. So, whether it’s due to concerns regarding the aging of our parents, the safety of our children, or the stability of our jobs, concerns will arise. Too much stress, however, can lead to burnout, which is inevitable if we don’t recognize it and address it. Before burnout happens, people usually make the mistake of trying to self-medicate. They look for their own coping mechanisms for stress instead of turning to God.

Negative ways of relating to ourselves and others can become a type of “fig-leaf” personality wherein we hide instead of choosing to become vulnerable and open about what we’re dealing with. When you’re in a covenant relationship, there is no room for hiding or masquerading. Honesty and transparency are essential! If we suppress these issues, then internally, we might hear, “I’m just stupid” or “I’m just a useless spouse with no self-control.”

If you have already dealt with this, please find comfort in knowing there is hope. Those “fig leaves” or those coping mechanisms served a purpose for you. Despite what you may think, they are not the end of your narrative. Now is the time to start questioning what purpose our coping mechanisms are providing as we work to rid them from our behavior, our logic and/or our spiritualizing. If we don’t eradicate them and replace them with the truth of God, we will merely replace them with a different set of “fig leaves”—different versions of control and hiding.

How do we cast these cares upon God? Great question! We do it by surrounding ourselves with strong believers in the body of Christ who will provide godly wisdom. We must immerse ourselves in the truth of His Word, which always, always invites us back to Jesus, the One who graciously asks us the same question He asked Adam in the Garden of Eden: “Where are you?”

Some married couples choose to cope using their own thoughts and behaviors to manage situations that are perceived as stressful. But for cases of chronic illnesses, mental disorders, grief, or loss, our thoughts and behaviors for coping are rarely healthy.

Finding righteous coping measures may not provide instant gratification but they lead to long-lasting positive outcomes that are good for the mind, body and soul. They can help individuals process their emotions, increase situational understanding and move from a negative experience to a positive one.

Unhealthy coping schemes typically feel good in the moment but have long-term negative outcomes. They often can be harmful and result in binge eating, substance abuse, chronic procrastination, sleep disorders and violent behaviors.

Coping in a way that pleases God will ultimately lead to a testimony of victory. Healthy coping structures help individuals feel better and give an occasion for expression, acceptance and kindness toward themselves.

Marriage is too sacred and too valuable not to have the hard discussions that are often needed when dealing with life in general. Talking about unhealthy coping methods for stress can be hard for married Christians because it may hit too close to home. Some coping mechanisms coincide with sin. Alcohol and drug abuse and pornography are all familiar sins that often also serve as coping mechanisms.

Christians often feel pressured to be “perfect,” which makes it challenging to acknowledge they are surviving by using these methods. Rather than bringing these unholy behaviors into the light where forgiveness through Jesus Christ can be found, many choose to keep them underground and suffer alone.

God is the ultimate healer of whatever ails us, whether physically, mentally or spiritually. To give Him the issues of our marriages requires that we wholly trust Him.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:6-7, NIV).

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and the founders of the faith-based newspaper, The Royal Trumpet. W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” ™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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