Pest removal, just another service

Ashley called, nothing unusual about that.

“There’s a snake in my office.”

OK, scratch the “nothing unusual” part of the call. Well, sort of.

I get calls every now and then to be a pest removal guy.  It is just another service I offer. 

I even removed a bat from the office one day. Then I had to call the pros to come seal the building because shooting bats is frowned on.

The call from Ashley was only the latest in a long list of requests that have seen me remove snakes, including rattlers, gators, dogs, cats, armadillos, possums, mice, dead and live and the occasional 2-legged varmint.

I’m hoping someone calls me to come remove a big boa constrictor or one of those tegu lizards running around Vidalia. I want to know what they taste like fried and grilled.

This time, Sebastian discovered the nope rope perched on the top of the projection screen. He was staying well away from it.

“Oak snake,” I said, peering at the no shoulders just out of my reach. Oak snake is the Southern name for the gray rat snake. These reptiles are completely harmless unless you are something small enough for them to eat.

I may be on the short side, but I absolutely am not on the average oak tree snake’s diet plan.

I moved the screen setup. Mr. Hiss. Ms. Hiss? Just Hiss then. Far be it from me to assume something’s gender. 

Hiss came falling down and hit the floor, completely unharmed. No doubt, cute and scaly fell out of trees and bushes before. The Garden of Eden tempter saw me and curled up, presenting the best possible “You don’t want to fight me because I will wreck your week” face a critter that size could do.

Reminded me of the late Harry Reid, Nevada’s former US senator, who got upset when I asked him to explain his voting record.

I took the snake a lot more seriously than I did my friend Harry.

Hiss decided retreat was a better option and scooted. Not fast enough. I grabbed the terminal end. Shaking the danger noodle so it would not crawl up itself and possibly bite me, I escorted it outside and released it to the wild.

“Now I smell like oak snake,” I said to Sebastian.

“He told his friends he smells like redneck. He posted it on Snakebook,” said Russ Freeman, one of my oldest and best friends.

Years ago, the 911 department had my number as the person to call to remove snakes. They did too.

One time, deputies chased a guy on the Interstate. He pulled off in Sycamore and stopped at Allen’s Tires.

He was quickly in cuffs and in the back of a patrol car. Deputies started to inventory his truck and stopped on seeing an aquarium with a mesh wire on the top.

Inside, a pygmy rattlesnake.

Dispatch called and asked if I was available to come and remove a snake.

Usual procedure in this case was just shoot the snake and toss it in the weeds. Could not be done this time.

I rolled out. Saw the situation. Reached into the truck and pulled out the aquarium.

I tell you true, if I ever lose my mind and want to rob a bank, I’m taking a rattlesnake as my weapon of choice.

I turned around holding the aquarium. I had a ring of people 50 feet away from me.

I took a step. They backed up. Another step. They backed up again, including the deputy.

No one was willing to get closer than that 50 feet.

Fangster and I rolled down to Hat Creek where the buzz butt was emptied into the grass and disappeared.

The late Miz Sadie called me to come remove something huge at one of her ponds. She was afraid it was going to eat one of her dogs. 

I went several times before finally seeing what was the biggest alligator snapping turtle I’ve ever seen sitting on the bank. Yes. Dog tartare was definitely a possibility.

She asked me to shoot it. Before I could, it slipped back into the water, which made me happy. That bone breaker was probably alive during the Civil War or close to it. I did not want to kill it.

Catch it and relocate it to the river or the lake, yes.

She called a few more times, but I never got there in time to see it again. It may still be alive.