On midgets, 60’s rock, taters and API

You can learn all kinds of interesting things on the Internet, including some things that will actually not make your eyeballs melt, stomach freeze and butt cheeks clench your chair so tightly it’ll take a come-along and a crowbar to help you get up.

One of the things I recently learned from Arkadius is that chives can grow wild. 

Wild chives. Sounds like a name for a 60s rock band. TONIGHT! IN CONCERT! THE WILD CHIVES! With special guests Wild Cherry!

You can also plant wild chives in your yard. Although whether or a ’60s mellow rock band would enjoy being planted in your yard remains to be seen.

This got me to thinking, how great it would be to have a yard of nothing but chives. Instead of having Jacinto and Alex come over and mow when my neighbors booking Africa Safaris in the backyard, I can have a block party. Everyone in the neighborhood can come over and graze in the yard or take home clippings for use in their kitchen.

I’d never have to mow again. I’d have people lined up to come and trim in my yard. 

Even better, I began to think about planting potatoes at the same time. Taters and chives. Finest kind.

But, the taters would be raw. I rather like my taters cooked. 

This poses a problem. How to get the potatoes cooked so they will be good to eat with the chives. Besides which I also like bacon bits on my potatoes.

Then, like a midget jumping around a corner to hit you in the face with a whipped cream pie, inspiration struck. 

I can load up some of my API ammunition. API stands for Armor-Piercing Incendiary ammo. In other words, it pokes a hole through armor and then creates a fireball. Perfect.

But the City frowns on shooting in the City Limits unless it is justified self defense such as you are being attacked by a mob of squirrels,  religious fanatics are celebrating some auspicious occasion or you found some extra ammunition.

What to do what to do…

The midget attacked again. FOOD PLOTS! Perfect.

I can go out to our hunting lease and plant food plots of potatoes and chives. Since we have swine flu free wild hogs over there too, I have the problem of bacon solved. Get everything growing good. When the hogs come out, shoot one with API ammo. It kills, dresses and cooks the hog (mmmm fresh bacon!), chops the chives, digs up and cooks the potatoes all at the same time. All I have to do then is get out of the stand, walk over and enjoy a fresh, hot baked potato.

Except I also like sour cream on my baked taters. This could be problematic.

WHOA! Another midget attack! 

I can stake out a cow over the food plot. The hog comes out and I shoot, resulting in everything above. I miss the cow, but it is scared so badly it produces spoiled milk (sour cream) which I then liberally spread all over my baked potato.

Gotta love those whipped cream pie throwing midgets. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to prep some food plots.