Meeting needs versus wants in marriage

As married couples, it is imperative that we find our fulfillment in believing and complying with Jesus Christ. Philippians 4:19 assures us that our Heavenly Father is the one who supplies our every need according to His riches in Christ Jesus. And James 1:17 lets us know that every good and perfect gift comes from the Lord above. Therefore, we need to concentrate on the interactions and significances that God says are eternally valuable, not on the temporary gratification of things and experiences that money alone can buy.

To do this, we must clearly discern the difference between a need and a want. Here are two simple definitions to consider. A need is something that is necessary for living. A want is something that is not necessary for living. The “unnecessary want” is not automatically sin, but it may or may not be appropriate for us to experience or acquire.

So, what are some examples of basic physical needs? According to Matthew 6:25, food, water and clothing fall into that category. Without these things, we cannot carry out the responsibilities of daily life. Yet, as simple as this list may sound, we still find it difficult to identify our needs. Why? Because there is something within us that the Bible identifies as our flesh.

Our flesh is innately sinful, and because of its selfish desires, our flesh strongly craves the things and experiences that this world offers. It deceives us into thinking that these are actual needs. The flesh desires things that are overstated through commercial advertisements, social media and many other means of communications designed to distort and falsify accounts of genuine necessities. Scripture calls this “loving the things of this world” and defines it as, “the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes and the pride of life” (1 John 2:15-17). The things that media and Hollywood try to convince us we need are not only unnecessary for our natural lives, but they are often detrimental to our Christian lives as well as our married lives.

Unlike true needs, wants and desires are things that we “think” will make our life better and/or bring us happiness. No matter what the price, many people spend their lives chasing after their wants, and yet, they never find true love, peace or happiness. All the money in the world can’t buy these gifts. Some of the richest people in the world are tormented in their minds. Suicides happen every day, and many of the victims of it possess “things” that others could only dream of. Anything they want, they can get. But what they need, they can’t figure out how to obtain, because their true need can’t be purchased.

Society has fed us a deadly lie. It has led us to believe that if we make our obsessions our possessions, we will be fulfilled. But take a moment to think about the last thing you really wanted and obtained. It may have satisfied you for a while, but eventually, it wasn’t enough. What was your dream house or dream car or dream job in one phase of your life, is no longer that at another phase. Wants and desires are always changing. Always.

Our spiritual growth and strength have more prospective to achieving true joy when we’re in a state of gratitude. Our desires constantly change because we’re looking for happiness outside of God. The key is to recognize that within our flesh, our desires will never be met, yet with God, our needs are always provided and often exceeded.

The Word of God states this truth about desire: “May He grant you according to your heart’s desire, and fulfill all your purpose” (Psalm 20:4, NKJV). A need, when filled, nurtures us. A want, when filled (if it’s not God’s will for our lives), could distract us. Swapping wants for needs will ultimately deplete us.

Our purpose for our individual lives and our married lives must follow God’s purpose for us. As we seek our desires for our marriage covenants, we must never lose sight of God’s purpose for marriage, which is to reflect His extraordinary love for the church. As a couple, always strive to align your marital needs with what God has ordained. Doing so will bring you joy and contentment beyond what money can buy.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and the founders of the faith-based newspaper, The Royal Trumpet. W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” TM the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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