Growing pains equals wallet strains 

The procedure took less than an hour. The doctor (or one of his many assistants) sent my son to fetch me from the waiting room himself, whether because they didn’t want to personally or wanted to provide proof that he had survived, I don’t know. 

Fitted across his teeth, glittering in the fluorescent light, was a new set of braces.

“You’re already done?” I asked in my most chipper voice. “How ya feeling, buddy?”

He said something that sounded like “Hum-a-na-hhm-a-ma.” 

The body does need time to adjust to changes, especially foreign objects fastened to the teeth.  

I stood up from my chair and followed him through the corridor to the laboratory, or rather, procedure room, where other children and young people waited in reclined, elevated chairs for the orthodontist to peer into their mouths. While we waited, the assistant informed me that everything had gone smoothly and began to hand out cleaning and care instructions for the newly installed dental alignment device.

Eventually, the doctor made his way to our corner of the room. 

“Congratulations,” he said to my child, lying flat on his back. “How does it feel to have braces?”

“Hum-a-na-hhm-a-ma,” he mumbled.

“That’s one way of putting it,” the good doctor replied, explaining that soreness and discomfort were natural at the beginning of this two-year process. 

I simply smiled and nodded in understanding, not wanting to say that “hum-a-na-hhm-a-ma” was exactly how I felt when I signed the contract agreeing to pay for this two-year process. We’re a week in, and so far, so good. 

On top of the costly dental work, the boy also needs glasses. He’s worried about looking like a nerd. I’m worried about going broke by the end of the year. He needn’t be concerned with bullies. The boy is a black belt, fully capable of defending himself. You might find me standing on the street corner, painted silver, looking like a statue, trying to make some extra cash. Spoiler alert: I can’t stand still that long. 

But this day was ordained long ago. The very first dentist who took a peek behind the lips of my only man child prophesied that he would need a lot of dental work. Every other dental professional who examined him confirmed the prediction. As for the eyes, we were blindsided by that, no pun intended. 

His sister is right behind him. She is already bespectacled, and the oracles of oral healthcare have also spun her fate. I’ll get the checkbook.

As a kid, I neither wore glasses nor had braces, so while I can lovingly support and care for my children as they embark on their new awkward stages of life, I can’t offer any advice due to experience. All I can do is pass him the acetaminophen and pay the bill on time while we both mumble, “hum-a-na-hhm-a-ma.”  

You can reach Kyle Dominy at k.l.dominy@gmail.com or write to 115 South Jefferson Street, Dublin, Ga. 31021.