Four feet, eight and a half inches

A horse’s arse controls your life in ways you never thought about. Did you ever wonder who was the first brave soul to eat haggis? Of course you have. Well, here’s another curiosity, why are our roads, cars, trains and wagons the size they are? Because of a horse’s arse. Or so my theory goes, and I’m not the first with that idea, just the latest to write about it. 

You see, our train tracks are of a gauge (width between rails) of four feet, eight and a half inches. Why? Because the North won the Civil War. The Confederates had multiple gauges, with five feet the most predominant, leading to transportation problems. One historian, James McPherson, argues that the Confederates’ lack of uniformity in railroad gauges was the primary cause of the Rebel defeat. The Union had to reset the seized Confederate tracks from five feet (or other gauges) down to the four feet, eight and a half inches, standard used in the north. Why?

Well, they’re that size because that is the size that English engineers used for their train tracks, and we copied them. Why? Amazingly, the English were the innovators of railroads and used that size gauge. Why? Well, they used that size because the English trams (pre-railroad) used that size. Why? Because the tram folks used the same jigs and tools as wagon makers used. Why?

Wagon makers used that size because any bigger or smaller meant that the wheels rode on the sides of the ruts in the road, instead of the bottom of the rut. That put lateral pressure on the wheel, which caused them to break on long trips. Wagon ruts were a consistent size because long distance roads were built by the Roman Legion all over Europe to ferry troops and supplies, much as our interstate was initially intended. The Romans used a standard size for their chariots and wagons. It was four feet, eight and a half inches. Why?

Because when you take a standard workhorse, strap two wheels on the outside of the cart behind the horse, it comes out to four feet, eight and a half inches between the wheels. Now the Roman engineers didn’t care where that gauge ended up, it just had to be standard-sized per Roman Legion Transportation Reg. XL-VXXXL.III.C. The Roman Empire died not due to moral decay, largesse, and gluttony, but overregulation! They didn’t teach you that in school, did they?

Had the Romans added just a half an inch, or even better, three and a half inches, it would have been a nice round number under the English measurement system, which had yet to be invented. So, we are stuck with four feet, eight and a half inches, 1,800 years later.

The Thiokol boosters for the Space Shuttle were transported by train (ironic, huh?) from Utah, along a route with rail tunnels, so their size was limited by a horse’s arse. Microwave ovens are limited in size by how many can fit on a pallet inside of a train car. Same goes for big-screen televisions. The things you learn from my column. 

Now to be fair, some disagree with my theory and believe that train gauges and horses’ arses are only related by coincidence, and further have nothing to do with microwaves or televisions. However, they can offer no proof of coincidence, and I have a long list of logical answers to “Why?” Therefore, I win. Next time someone tells you to kiss a horse’s arse, tell them this story so as to distract them until they chill out.

Kelly Burke, retired attorney, former district attorney, and magistrate judge, writes about the law, rock ’n’roll, and politics or anything that strikes him. These articles are not designed to give legal advice, but are designed to inform the public about how the law affects their daily lives. Contact Kelly at dakellyburke@gmail.com to comment on this article or suggest articles that you’d like to see, and visit his website at www.kellyburke.com to view prir columns.

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