Crazy Uncle Kyle’s myths and legends: The snake rat 

Gather ‘round chil’ren and get ready for another lesson from good ‘ol Uncle Kyle. I’ve been traveling the highways and byways of the wacky, weird and amazing land of ours, and it’s time I bestow a little more wonder into your otherwise boring existences. 

Now, it’s come to my attention that many of you don’t know the difference between fact and fiction anymore. That’s probably because you spend too much time consuming information on social media. With computer advancements and artificial intelligence, it’s never been easier to pull the wool over someone’s eyes. By manipulating a few pictures and sound bites, you can make anyone in the world say or do anything you want them to. Just the other day your favorite uncle (that’s me, of course) dove headfirst into the worldwide web and found videos of Bigfoot narrating his adventures in the woods, including trying various food items, if you can call them that, from Taco Bell. He described the results in language most foul.  

These are clearly fakes because I know Bigfoot and not only is he kind of a health nut but he’s also quite well spoken and would never resort to the use of colorful language. In fact, he holds three university degrees, including one from the prestigious Harvard Law School. 

But my adventures with Sasquatch are not what brought me here today. I want to tell you about another creature that calls the woods home – the snake rat. The following story is 100 percent true, except for the parts I made up or misremember due to the possible consumption of inebriates. 

If you ever find yourself traveling rural Middle Georgia, down the Old Macon Road, a stretch of pavement that runs through parts of Laurens, Wilkinson and Twiggs counties (the dead center of nowhere), you might encounter the Old Macon Road Snake Rat. Half-snake, half-rat and all monster, the snake rat is just what it sounds like. It’s got a long, thin body covered in greasy hair and carried about with four legs armed with sharp claws; it has a long snouted head with yellow, reptilian eyes; and a mouth full of teeth dripping with venom. It stalks its prey in silence, striking out and swallowing its victims whole. 

The creature is too small to hurt a human, but it will hitch a ride as you pass by and decimate livestock and pets, much like its distant cousin the Chupacabra. But it does significant damage to automobiles because it chews on wires and strips out insulation. Legend has it that if you park your car along an isolated stretch, get out and walk away at least 15 paces away, the snake rat will come and steal your catalytic converter. I’d try it, but I sold mine years ago. 

Now, coincidentally, my cousin Geech, the same one that was beaten to death by out-of-work party clowns, lost a pet ferret before his timely death. You just trust your Uncle Kyle and stay in the car when driving in the middle of nowhere.