Complementing and completing each other in marriage

Every human being is different. We hear it all the time. But do we completely understand how this can affect our marriages? Since we are all unique individuals, it can be more challenging for a person to reconcile the differences he or she has with their spouse. You will both, perhaps, have very distinct ways of performing the most basic tasks like doing and folding the laundry, washing and putting away the dishes, keeping things organized (or not) and even how you spend your free time. Even the way we express our love for each other may be different.

We titled this article, “Complementing and completing each other in marriage”; so before we go any further, let’s look at the word “complete” and what it means when it comes to marriage. The word is often frowned upon because it can indicate that a person entered into marriage as a broken or deficient individual and with the unrealistic expectation that his or her spouse would make them whole. This is not necessarily the case.

As an adjective, one of the definitions of “complete” is “having all the necessary or appropriate parts.” That’s a perfect fit for what a wife or husband can bring to a marriage to make it complete. A marriage built on kingdom principals is a ministry. God has an assignment for that couple, and He knows what it’s going to take in order for it to be carried out according to His will. God surely knows how to ordain a marriage that will bring two people who, collectively, have all of the necessary components to fulfill their divine destiny whereas separately, they did not.

Another definition of complete—this time, as a verb—is “to perfect.” The Word of God lets us know that two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. “If one of them falls down,” Ephesians 4:10 goes on to say, “one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.” Clearly, there is a level of strength and perfection found in two people living and working together in harmony that cannot be found with one person alone. Therefore, complementing and completing each other in marriage is necessary, but to do it effectively, we have to be intentional.

For a number of years now, the bestselling book, “The Five Love Languages”, written by Gary Chapman, has helped many married couples come to the shocking realization that they haven’t been meeting their spouse’s definition of being loved in marriage. Marriage should be one of the most generous human relationships that any person has. It should be about serving each other, complementing each other and completing each other.

Showing love to your covenant mate can be tricky if you are not cognoscente of the importance of presenting love like THEY need it, and not like YOU need it. To effectively love our spouse takes a mindset that is utterly selfless, and that’s not always easy to do. The Word of God talks about how we should put the other person before ourselves just as Christ did when He gave His life for us. This kind of sacrificial love should be easier to extend in marriage than in any other relationship.

“Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied himself, by taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men” (Philippians 2:3-7).

Because people are diverse by nature, the way a husband needs to be shown love can be vastly different from the manner in which his wife needs to be loved. He may feel best loved when she speaks positively about him and acknowledges his efforts (“words of affirmation”) whereas she may feel more deeply loved when he clears his calendar just for her (“quality time”). If a husband needs words of affirmation, and instead, the wife focuses on spending quality time with him, that’s satisfying her need, but not his. She is working from a selfish mindset in this case; so whereas what she’s doing may be a good thing, it’s not adequately ministering to her husband’s need to feel loved.

Complementing and completing one another requires selflessness. If we pursue our own needs or make demands on our spouse to meet our needs without ever seeking to know his or her needs, it will likely lead to confusion or even the subsequent ruin of our marriage.

At the end of the day, if we are expressing love to our spouse using our own “love language” instead of expressing it using his or her “love language,” we are, in essence, giving them the silent treatment. They may not clearly understand the language we are “speaking” because it’s not theirs. Doing this is equivalent to one spouse saying, “I love you” to another spouse—but in Chinese—a language that the other spouse does not speak or comprehend.

A man is godly created to respond clearly to his wife’s sacrificial respect and admiration in the same way a woman is designed to respond to his, when he loves, honors, nourishes and cherishes her. The divine design for holy, joyful and contented marriages is for a wife, as a manifestation of her sacrificial respect for her husband, to encourage and enable him to provide leadership in marriage. It requires God’s supernatural love working in and through both spouses.

A wife’s mind is designed to act in response to her husband’s love. Man’s role, as a loving husband is to be his wife’s looking glass to reflect to her how lovely she is to him and to her Creator. He should be mindful of the fact that she longs to hear these things not only in words but in romantic gestures as well — flowers, cards, calls, dates, dinners, time together, help with chores and conversation.

The mystery of success, when it comes to marital bliss and enjoyment, is to accept the plan and assistance of our Creator who designed us, made us and instituted marriage in the first place. Marriage cannot thrive on bread alone, but by every Word, that proceeds from the mouth of God. The Bible (Proverbs 14:12) states that there is a way that seems right in our own eyes, but in the end, it leads to destruction! If, within our covenants, we choose to obey God, we will be complementing and completing each other in our marriages.

We must be mindful of the fact that “oneness” doesn’t mean “sameness.” Oneness involves showing a willingness to work together toward the same purpose despite our differences. Any couple working together toward the same goal will have to—out of necessity – communicate, cooperate, and merge strengths with strengths while overlooking or overcoming each other’s weaknesses in the marriage journey. This not only requires time, but it also requires genuine loyalty.

Marriage is a covenantal alliance created to strengthen the capability of each partner to carry out the plan of God for our lives. Marriage is the taking of two individuals and making them even stronger together as one.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Byron, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and guest hosts of the television talk show, “The Marriage Circle Connection.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” ™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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