Bank robbery tips

Robbing a bank is more difficult than ever. I’m here to give you some basic bank-robbing rules, starting with the most obvious. Always wear a hat. Preferably a baseball hat. Video cameras are usually mounted high and can’t see faces under the bill of a hat. Wear sunglasses, cheap ones that you can toss afterward. A wig adds some style to the robbery as well. Write your robbery note ahead of time. Ask only for $50s and $100s, don’t waste your time on smaller denominations.

The weapon of choice is a gun but beware. In state law, it matters not if the gun is unloaded, while in federal law, they take the word of the robber that his gun was unloaded and send the case to state court. If that doesn’t make sense, welcome to the whimsical world of the law. It’s best not to mention a gun though, as tellers will give you the money on simple demand. 

You can demand they don’t put dye packs in the bag of money, but that’s a customer service issue. If they put dye packs that explode all over your stash, are you really going back to complain? Don’t leave your car in the bank parking lot! Park far enough away that witnesses don’t see you. If you are an old geezer wanting three meals and a cot, robbing a bank might work, but prosecutors will probably just put you in a retirement home, whereas, if the Feds pay for it, it’s a win. 

Make sure you rob a federally insured bank (almost all are) because that helps get the Feds in the case. The federal system is far cushier than the state system. Don’t post about your newfound wealth on Facebook; your friends will rat you out. You can’t phone in a bank robbery either. Banks are NOT that full-service. Yes, it has been done. Don’t be wishy-washy either. One guy applied for a job, handed over his identification, then decided to rob the bank. Bad. 

Bank robberies are solved at a 98-percent rate, so be ready for a protracted prison stay. Don’t shoot anybody, that’s just dumb. Have some etiquette, and be polite and professional. Enjoy your 15 minutes. You’ll have the next 15 years to think about it. 

No, to really rob a bank, you need to own it. Get your friends to all pitch in—some of the friends need to be politically connected—create a bank, buy troubled assets from the Feds in the upcoming Biden recession, manage those assets, and walk away with millions and millions. It’s tried and true. 

Kelly Burke, attorney, former district attorney and magistrate judge, writes about the law, rock’n’roll, and politics or anything that strikes him. Contact Kelly at dakellyburke@gmail.com to comment on this article or suggest articles that you’d like to see, and visit his website at www.kellyrburke.com to view prior columns.

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