Avoiding the ‘marriage blame game’

All of us combat it at one time or another—the urge to lay undue blame on others. It has damaged many long-term relationships, including friendships and marriages.

This is nothing new; it’s been happening from the beginning of mankind. The Bible states that when the forbidden fruit was eaten, Adam blamed Eve, and in turn, Eve blamed the serpent. Both had the freedom to choose right or wrong, and both chose to what was wrong, but neither wanted to be held accountable for his or her responsibility in the matter.

This is an unhealthy path that many Christian couples continue to travel today. Much of what we call mistakes are really choices. We know what God has told us in His Word, yet we choose to disobey. And then when sins are exposed, we play the blame game. Spouses point the finger at one another, or, like Eve, they take a route called, “the devil made me do it.” But satan can’t force us do anything. We make choices, and those choices come with consequences.

The true reason for our mess-ups might be any number of things. Maybe we have been dodging a much-needed conversation for too long. Consistent communication between husbands and wives is essential. Neither spouse should be expected to read the other’s mind, and neither spouse should be made to feel they can’t approach the other when dialogue is needed. And then again, it could be something different. Maybe it has more to do with our attitudes. Being short-tempered and confrontational with a spouse is never a good thing. Husbands and wives should treat one another better and speak to one another kinder than they do anyone else. Blaming one another tends to lead to raised voices and words put into the atmosphere that cannot be taken back.

Whatever the reason, pursuing to understand our part in a failure is the door to understanding. Blaming is bad because it keeps us from solving the problem and doing something about it. We have the tendency to get caught up in “who’s the bad person,” “who made the mistake” and “who should apologize.”

Listen, married friends, blame is lame. It’s the easy way out. It doesn’t step into the difficult conversations to sort through each person’s contribution. It’s a labor of love to learn the objective of each person, tap into the feelings of each other’s perspective and pick up on the distinctiveness of the wound they may have endured.

We may not be as innocent in the situation as we believed. When a dilemma or a disagreement arises, we are poised to fall immediately into the blame trap, and we often do. We blame our spouses, and then either unashamedly accuse them or set out to fix them. Even when we pray, we blame them. We pray that God will fix them, convict them or cause them to repent. It’s much easier to deal with a problem if someone else is at fault, isn’t it? Then the burden is on them to fix it, to change or to ask for forgiveness.

We choose to blame others to protect ourselves, and we think once the fault is shifted away from us, we are better off. We’re not. Blaming others temporarily eases the guilty feelings, but hurt, bitterness and anger often fill their place. We trade responsibility for our own actions and receive a return of calamity. No matter how we look at it, the blame game is the wrong way to handle martial conflicts.

When covenant partners have disputes, it is crucial that we assess ourselves. This doesn’t mean that our spouse has no blame. All it means is that the accountability that rests with our spouse is not ours to deal with. That is between them and God. Self-examination is the better way.

Think about Romans 12:18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.”

Phrases like “if possible” and “so far as it depends on you” admit that we cannot make others live at peace with us, any more than we can make others do what we think they should do. Instead, it turns the focus and responsibility of individual conflict on us personally. It says, “In any conflict, make sure you are doing all you can to live at peace.” God only holds us responsible for ourselves, not for others.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and the founders of the faith-based newspaper, The Royal Trumpet. W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” ™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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