An ideal candidate reluctantly passes on Senate race

I wanted you to be the first to hear the news, disappointing as it may be. After several divinations with my trusty Ouija Board, a couple of bounces of the crystal ball and shuffling and reshuffling my Tarot cards, I have decided I will not offer myself as a candidate for the United States Senate from Georgia (or from anywhere else for that matter).

It was important I get this information to you quickly. I suspect a number of you were already preparing to contribute large sums of money to my campaign and would be traveling our great state, putting up yard signs.

There are several reasons I came to this momentous decision. While there is no question I would have won against charisma-challenged incumbent Jon Ossoff, who has the personality of a broomstick, endorsements were important. And I’m not talking about Donald Trump or Brian Kemp.

Almost everybody Trump endorsed in 2022 statewide got waxed. Who needs him? And instead of worrying about endorsements, Gov. Kemp needs to be spending his free time running off anybody and everybody who is contemplating strip-mining our Okefenokee for toothpaste whitener. First things first.

Between us, I was hoping God might endorse me, but I think 1st District Cong. Buddy Carter beat me to it. Carter says he will continue to serve “in whatever capacity God and the people of Georgia wish me to serve.” Since he has announced he is running for Senate, I can only assume God has no problem with him doing that. Whether the people of Georgia want him to do so is another matter. They might want to ask him where he stands on drilling for toothpaste whitener in the Okefenokee, which is in his district and is one of God’s great creations.

The people of Georgia might also want to ask Carter why he introduced a bill in Congress to change the name of Greenland to Red, White and Blueland. Since he bills himself as a MAGA Warrior, God thinks he was sucking up to Donald Trump who wants to annex Whatchamacallit Land. I think he was bored and didn’t have anything else to do that day.

There is also the sensitive matter of my status as to whether or not I am the product of illegal aliens. The first Yarbrough to step on the soil of the good ol’ U.S. of A. arrived around 1642, before it was the good ol’ U.S. of A. He is known to the family as Richard the Immigrant, but not much is known about him, including – well, did he come here legally or sneak in? Could I be the progeny of an illegal immigrant?

I was afraid that if I did decide to run for the Senate, there was the chance a couple of guys with size 18 necks, wearing Oakley shades and earplugs, would drag me off stage and send me to prison in El Salvador, where I’d have to put on those baggy white shorts. With my skinny legs, I look terrible in baggy white shorts. Besides, who is going to vote for a guy in baggy white shorts? You have to think about these things if you plan to run for public office.

It is generally agreed that Richard the Immigrant landed in what is now Virginia. When Buddy Carter finds that out, he will probably introduce a bill in Congress to rename the Commonwealth of Virginia. Probably call the place the Commonwealth of Fred just to spite me.

Of course, my opponents would be combing through my columns looking for salacious material to use against me. That doesn’t bother me. I am an open book or an open editorial page, if you prefer. I admit I did raise some eyebrows when I called our esteemed Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth a moron for using a tin can and string to brag to his buddies about bombing the Houthis in Yemen, but then Elon Musk called one of Trump’s guys a moron, too. That puts me in good company. Me and Elon. We know our morons when we see them.

I know you are bummed at learning I will not be running for and no doubt winning the upcoming race for a seat in the United States Senate. I hope you can find some good use for the yard signs. But the good news is that you can still send me your money. I understand there is a governor’s race upcoming. Hold that thought.

You can reach Dick Yarbrough at dick@dickyarbrough.com or at P.O. Box 725373, Atlanta, Georgia 31139.