The case of the cereal thief

Sometimes I use my journalism for good, and sometimes it gets a laugh. About a year ago, it did exactly that for my friends back home.

Late at night, in our group chat, my brother admitted he accidentally walked out of Kroger without paying for a box of cereal.

Naturally, I ran with it, amused by his story. With a little help from my friends, we devised a hypothetical series of events, and I wrote it like I would for a typical crime story.

Without further ado, here is my “coverage.”

A reminder: the series of events covered are completely fake. An arrest did not actually happen. My brother found out he forgot to pay and immediately made it right.

Grand Junction man behind bars for theft

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — You may have heard of serial killers, but a cereal thief once dwelt among us. Now he is behind bars. 

26-year-old Donnie Romero, of Grand Junction, was taken into custody last night after he admitted on social media that he had walked out of a local supermarket without paying for a box of cereal, saying, “I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me.”

According to the Grand Junction Police Department, criminal charges are unlikely. But if convicted, Romero could be trading his breakfast cereal for prison food. Police are investigating the case, attempting to figure out a motive for the crime.

Police Chief Matt Smith commented on the severity of the case.

“I don’t know why everyone is making a big deal,” he said. “The guy stole a box of cereal. We’ve got more pressing matters to attend to.”

Romero is currently housed at the Mesa County Detention Facility.

Update: thief has good taste in breakfast cereal

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — Earlier, we told the story of a Grand Junction man who ruthlessly stole a box of cereal and paid the price with his freedom. Now, the thief himself has revealed new details.

As you may recall, 26-year-old Donnie Romero was recently arrested for theft but released five minutes after his arrest. Romero proudly told us the cereal he stole came from a local Kroger: a box of Frosted Flakes and a box of Fruity Pebbles.

In light of the heinous crime, more voices are speaking out, including Kroger’s CEO, Rodney McMullen.

“All these thugs need to be taken off the street. We deal with shrink every day. I don’t understand why someone would so callously steal from our small family business.” he said, emotionally.

Grand Junction Police Chief Matt Smith gave us an exclusive update to the case.

“You guys seriously need to leave me alone,” he insisted. “Stop calling me every five minutes, it’s really not that big of a deal.”

Romero sentenced for cereal stealing spree 

GRAND JUNCTION, Colo. — A Grand Junction man has been sentenced for a crime spree that took place hours earlier. 

26-year-old Donnie Romero was sentenced to execution. Romero’s lawyer argued against it, but courts overruled the objection.

The sentence was handed down swiftly from Mesa County District Chief Judge Brian Flynn.

“This is by far the worst case I have ever presided over,” he said. “Mr. Romero clearly shows no remorse for his actions.”

The case the charges stem from took place hours earlier, where Romero callously stole a box of Frosted Flakes and a box of Fruity Pebbles from a local Kroger.

Mesa County District Attorney Dan Rubinstein weighed in on Romero’s sentencing, saying, “I think execution is completely appropriate given the severity of the crime. Hopefully, it will send a message to the community that we won’t tolerate this kind of behavior.”

Romero’s execution is set to take place Monday at 4 p.m. at Long’s Family Memorial Park and will feature an open bar.

Admission is $20 a person, and proceeds will go to Mesa County School District. Commentary during the family friendly event will be provided in English and Spanish.