Tentacles of insecurity in marriage

Insecurity is a common feeling that nearly all people will experience at some point, and it can manifest itself from various resources. It often appears in the forms of lack of confidence, anxiety and uncertainty. By working to accurately identify and address insecurity, those that experience it can minimize its unwanted control and find security, stability and a sense of worth that thrusts them toward happiness and improved overall well-being.

Feelings of insecurity are not emotions you have to try and overcome by yourself. A therapist can help. And while many, as Christians, still erroneously consider therapy and counseling a sign of weakened faith, that is not now, nor has it ever been, the truth. God uses people of many professions to help carry out His will for His children. This includes doctors, therapists, teachers, writers, etc. The list is virtually endless.

There is no sin in needing therapy, but there is much danger in needing it and not getting it. A person’s individual insecurities can be brought on by their specific life experiences. They can also be inherited biological traits passed down from generation to generation, shown through a person’s personality and temperament. It might even stem from a traumatic event, patterns of previous experience, social conditioning or local environments such as school, work or home. Understanding the nature of insecurities can help each person manage his or her own issues and offer the support they need.

Relationship or attachment insecurities don’t always begin in early childhood. They can arise whenever and wherever previous experience or personal insecurity undermines someone’s security in their closest relationships. This includes the relationship between a husband and wife. One bad marital experience can destroy what could be an amazing marital experience if the issues relating to the first experience aren’t properly addressed.

Every year, countless marriages end because of verbal, mental and physical abuse as well as sexual infidelity. What often goes undetected is the root of the behavior that comes from the abuser. Strong insecurity can lead to horrendous conduct. When one spouse is riddled with a lack of confidence, he or she—in an effort to make himself or herself feel better—might begin to exhibit a behavior that is intended (whether consciously or subconsciously) to strip the other spouse of their self-worth. Like the typical schoolyard bully, most abusers inflict harm on others because they feel inferior within themselves.

Insecurity is nothing more than self-doubt or a lack of confidence, and it is more common than most want to believe. Like tentacles, insecurities are far-reaching, have multiple levels and touch many areas of our lives. For instance, high rates of unemployment and the availability of only temporary work often contribute to the increase in job insecurity. And whether directly or indirectly, we’re all aware of the subject of body image. How many individuals do we know personally who feel insecure about the way they look?

And it doesn’t stop there. Insecurity of another kind surrounds the way we are perceived by our peers. Signs of insecurity are as variable as the condition itself, but there are some common tendencies we can look out for such as low self-esteem or negative self-image. Low self-esteem occurs when people think badly about themselves or their abilities; especially when that image seems to be inconsistent with external observation.

The need to deliberately place self-misrepresentation, false behavior and misleading information on social media can be a sign of insecurity manifested in the form of social anxiety. The inability to make or be satisfied with true progress comes from the perception that a person is never enough. The urge to point out other people’s shortcomings or to post or repost the failures of others on social media platforms can also be a clear sign of one’s insecurity. Sometimes the need to broadcast the faults of others is rooted in the need to mask or minimize those of oneself.

All these insecurities can spill over into our marriages. They are unhealthy and unholy, and if they are left unaddressed, they can destroy our God-ordained covenants. Insecurities can lead to decreased mental wellness. Don’t shun the notion of getting help. There are men and women of faith who are also professional therapists and counselors. They will give assistance that is based upon God’s Word. If you find yourself dealing with insecurity in your marriage or any other relationship, ask God for guidance, and trust Him to lead you to the right resource.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church, which recently relocated to Macon, Ga. They are the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and guest hosts of the former television talk show, “The Marriage Circle Connection.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” TM the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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