Bonded by the grace of God

The late Dr. Billy Graham (1918-2018) once said, “If it were not for God’s grace, you and I would not be able to live for even one more minute. God’s grace sustains us every moment of the day, and without His grace, we could not even exist. We think we have control of our lives–but if it were not for God’s grace, we would not even be alive.”

The grace of God in Christ is the foundation of the Christian experience, but what does grace look like in marriage? Without God’s grace our marriages will never experience the life that only God can breathe into it. The lasting love in a grace-filled marriage is sometimes incomprehensible.

Allow us to use Dr. Graham to draw you a true-to-life picture. Arguably one of the most noted Bible teachers of our time, Graham and his wife, Ruth (1920-2007), were married for over six decades. According to Wikipedia, the day before his wife’s death following a lengthy illness that had left her bedridden for the final months of her life, Graham released a statement saying, “Ruth is my soul mate and best friend, and I cannot imagine living a single day without her by my side. I am more and more in love with her today than when we first met over 65 years ago as students at Wheaton College.”

That’s what grace in marriage looks like. It’s an extension of God’s beauty, kindness and mercy flowing from one spouse to the other. In sickness and in health. For richer or for poorer. All those things that we so easily rattle off at the altar, but struggle or outright refuse to put into action. What can we do to ensure that our marriages reflect the gospel? How can each of us offer the grace of God to our covenant partner?

Extending grace is often misconstrued. Contrary to popular belief, grace is not about justifying a wrong or allowing yourself to be mistreated or railroaded by tolerating abuse or disrespect from a spouse. Instead, grace is about welcoming God into the core of our relationships. It is about surrendering the space in our hearts to represent His love. When we allow God’s grace to reign in our marriages, we can love beyond boundaries—when illness creeps in, when employment is lost. Even in Christian marriages, the struggles get real—but the grace of God remains the same.

There are numerous fatalistic ideas about marriage going around these days, until many people are perplexed about the subject altogether. God’s Word is the single most reliable source we have about marriage, after all, its Author is the Creator of marriage, and like all the topics in the Bible, the subject of marriage is spiritual and therefore cannot be understood by the natural mind. In order to glean from and benefit from the glorious Word of God, BOTH people in a marriage must receive the Holy Spirit and follow His lead concerning who they are to be within their marriage. No magazine, newspaper or earthly example can take the place of God. We must LEARN how to love one another and seek to please one another.

Over time, with the Spirit’s help, a couple under covenant will become one in a spiritual sense and live as one in God’s love. As husbands and wives allow the Holy Spirit to carve into them a heart that believes and embraces the Word of God concerning their marriage, He will richly bless those spouses in ways that cause them to fulfill their greatest purpose together in Him.

To obtain and retain the grace of God in marriage, couples must not be concerned with having the grace and approval of others—especially those outside of God. Marriages often land in trouble when one or both of the spouses want to badly to be accepted and loved by the world that that they are willing to gamble with their union.

Since we’ve been using Dr. Billy Graham as an example so far, let’s stay on that course. Graham had a rule of never spending time alone with any woman who was not his wife. He never went to dinner, had business meetings, traveled—not even a one-on-one Bible study session with a woman other than his wife. When there were meetings that needed to be held that involved a female, there were always others there—accountability partners, so to speak. It was a way to avoid the scandals that were prevalent among preachers of his time, and even more prevalent among those of today. It became a “rule” that was named after the evangelical leader. Some called it the Billy Graham Rule, while others called it the Modesto Manifesto (a great number of Graham’s meetings were held in Modesto, California).

Many will scoff at such a regulation and call it excess or unnecessary, but it worked! Dr. Graham lived to be nearly 100 years old and was married for 63 of them, and never—not even once—was there a scandal regarding his faithfulness to his wife and his dedication to his covenant. The Grahams enjoyed a grace-filled marriage until death separated them.

A Christian couple should never try to mirror their union after that of a couple who is not functioning according to the will and Word of God. Too many of us are looking at the marriages of today’s biggest music and Hollywood stars, and if it works for them—even if the way they are living is ungodly and unholy—we make it our example to follow. That should never be the case. God’s Word should be our roadmap to follow.

A Christian marriage has a uniquely different kind of purpose that is very unlike that of worldly marriages. As professional relationship coaches, when we ask couples why they want to get married, many will say something like, “Well, we’re just in love.” Most often, behind that statement are several other “unspoken” reasons.

Maybe they have dated long enough, and marriage just seems like the next step. Perhaps they want sexual interaction without the guilt. They may feel that as adults, marriage is what is expected. Sometimes there are economic benefits from combining incomes into one household. Other times, they want someone to take care of them or they are lonely and need the companionship. Oh, and let’s not forget about that proverbial biological clock that’s ticking and telling them it’s time to start a family. Or maybe it’s that they want to escape a bad situation—abusive parents, unplanned pregnancy, etc.

When you really think about it, the heart of most of these reasons for marriage is the big ME! At an accelerated rate, people are getting married for self-centered reasons, not God-centered purposes. In a fallen world void of God, that is the widespread human condition. We, by sinful nature, are self-centered; and so, our self-centered tendency, carried into marriage, creates two self-centered people trying to settle enough good out of the deal so that they can survive.

But there is another, higher purpose for marriage that is stated well in Psalm 34:3: “Oh, magnify the Lord with me and let us exalt His name together!” The most intimate thing that a couple can do is to worship the Most High God TOGETHER. When we choose to focus our marriage on exalting and glorifying God together, our relationship will become a vehicle through which people can enjoy the scented aroma of Christ and the grace of God within our marriages. It will be a demonstration of the gospel to the world—you will show God’s grace, His compassion, His forgiveness. When we truly understand that purpose, it changes everything… by the grace of God.

Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Byron, Ga., the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships” and guest hosts of the television talk show, “The Marriage Circle Connection.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,”™ the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.

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