A few days ago, we escaped to a nearby park during the lunch hour to spend some undistracted time together. As we sat, sharing in relational conversation as we often do, we began to discuss a post that had been made in a faith-based social media group for wives. In it, a woman stated that she wanted to dye her hair a very non-traditional color, but her husband asked her not to. She requested feedback from those in the network.
What followed was disconcerting. With little or no hesitation, the replies came in droves, and the women weren’t holding back any punches. No husband of hers was going to tell her how to wear her hair, one lady ranted. A second stated that she would never have even asked for her husband’s opinion. Another reminded the inquiring wife, “It’s your hair. You can do whatever you want.” She ended with a blunt, “Tell him to deal with it!”
Finally, one fellow wife spoke up, daring to be different. “I guess I’m a rare breed. I would never advise another wife to blatantly go against something that her husband has asked unless it’s sinful and displeasing to God. As much as possible, I believe you should strive to keep the harmony in your marriage. I think that anything that will drastically change your physical appearance should be mutually agreed upon. Your husband probably just doesn’t find this particular color attractive. Discuss other options. There are apps that will allow you both to see how any color will look on you before you actually get it done. I’m sure you can come to an agreement on one that you both like.”
That lone voice was drowned out in the sea of others. The wife’s decision to move forward with the radical color got cheers from the women in the group, and she seemed to feel empowered by their overwhelming approval. It didn’t matter to them or to her that her actions had left her husband with a sense of total disregard.
Please note that we fully expect some to disagree with us on today’s column; after all, our viewpoint on this matter is not the most popular one. It doesn’t line up with how the general population feels, but it does line up with the Word of God. When we seek out the opinions of others instead of searching the scriptures for divine direction, what we are doing is allowing flesh to point us down paths that don’t parallel with what the Word—God’s roadmap—tells us.
In our society, we often allow culture to dictate everything from what we should weigh to how we should talk. We strive to please mankind, even if it means offending God. It’s not that we’re ignorant to what God says about how we should relate to one another. In most cases, we are very well aware. Our disobedience is outright deliberate. What God says doesn’t appeal to our fleshly desires, so we consciously defy Him.
Many of us lose our identity in our efforts to classify with and appease others. In essence, we give the creatures more credence than we give to the Creator. Our human nature, as sinful as it will always be, longs for the approval of others. Our yearning to be POPULAR and SELECTED by people overshadows our desire to be PECULIAR and CHOSEN by God (see 1 Peter 2:9). We are quick to listen to what “he” says, and to what “she” says—but what about what God says?
The Word of God is clear in outlining the high level of regard that a husband and wife should have for one another. We are to love and prefer each other over any other human being. That includes preferring to do what pleases one another more than what pleases any other human being. “However, each man among you [without exception] is to love his wife as his very own self [with behavior worthy of respect and esteem, always seeking the best for her with an attitude of loving kindness], and the wife [must see to it] that she respects and delights in her husband [that she notices him and prefers him and treats him with loving concern, treasuring him, honoring him, and holding him dear]” (Ephesians 5:33 – Amplified Bible).
Not long ago, a popular recording artist spoke frankly about being submissive to her husband. Although she is better known and likely makes more money than he, she boldly acknowledged her husband as her head. She trusts his leadership and is following him as he follows Christ. The artist commented that many women are single because they are not willing to submit as outlined in the Word of God. Her commentary drew negative backlash—not just from sinners, but also from many self-proclaimed believers. Why? Because instead of the willingness to submit being seen as a strength—which it is—it’s seen as a weakness. And despite the fact that it’s clearly written in the Bible, it’s not a popular viewpoint in a society where what God says means little.
Marriage is not for the selfish or uncompromising. The love it requires is not superficial, but sacrificial; sometimes forfeiting one’s own desires to do what’s best for the union. In the Bible, the love of a husband and wife is compared to the love Jesus Christ has for the church. Christ gave His life for us, not because He wanted to (see Matthew 26:39), but because it was necessary for the union. Christ made the ultimate sacrifice so that we could have the chance to be eternally unified with Him. No greater love has ever existed.
In order of priority, God (and God only) comes before our spouse. Not our children, not our parents, not our friends and certainly, not virtual strangers on social media. The only relationship that should be regarded higher than our bond with our spouse is our bond with God. “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength” (Deuteronomy 6:5).
When pleasing God is our top priority, we will follow His Word, even against the advice of society. When we put God first, everything else will fall into place (see Matthew 6:33). That’s not what “he” said. That’s not what “she” said. That’s what God said.
Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, and the authors of the devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.
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