At the beginning of each calendar year in office, the sitting President of the United States delivers a message to a joint session of the United States Congress. The message primarily consists of an economic report and details surrounding the national budget. It also gives consent to the President to propose plans and programs and courses of action that he or she believes will improve national matters. This message is called the State of the Union Address.
A few years ago, as husband and wife, we began having similarly purposed discussions within our marriage, and we subsequently named them “State of the Union” meetings. Since marriage is, in fact, a union, the pun was very much intended. However, unlike the President and the members of Congress, our sessions are very rarely planned, and they tend to happen far more frequently than once a year. Ours began very early on—perhaps in the second year of our marriage. The earlier that communication is established in a relationship, the better. But no point in time is too early or too late to start.
Communication is essential; that’s no secret. As a matter of fact, it has long ago been proven that the lack thereof is a leading cause of the failure of marriages. There are four main types of communication: verbal, nonverbal, visual and written. And while each of these are tried and true means of getting messages across, the simple act of talking (verbal communication) is the one that’s most commonly perceived as the form that can be the difference between the life and the death of a union. All other modes are too easily misinterpreted.
Nonverbal communication is the use of body language, gestures and facial expressions. Regardless of how clear the sender of this form of communication believes they are, ultimately, the receiver of these messages is left to their imagination to translate the message that the giver is attempting to transmit. What the giver is “saying” with his or her body language may be far from what the receiver is “hearing.” With visual communication, the communicator uses drawings, sketches, and graphs—very much like in the popular charades-inspired game, Pictionary. And very much like in the game, the message that is trying to be conveyed from visual communicator to their spouse can be totally different than the partner’s interpretation.
Written communication is primarily viewed as an effective means of giving and receiving messages. Here, you have a tangible record of what is said. It seems clear enough, right? Not always. One of the biggest problems with writing a note, email, letter, etc. to someone to convey your feelings is the fact that the receiver can’t always adequately decipher the tone in which it was written. Something that may have been written with the intent to be humorous, might be received as spiteful, and if not punctuated properly, something intended as a suggestion, might be taken as a potential threat.
The least amount of confusion comes with just plain talking, and this method of communication, we believe, is the most effective. Not talking is a silent killer of relationships. Giving each other the silent treatment does nothing to bring closure to any disparity. Having regular “State of the Union” meetings (or whatever you’d choose to call yours) might be just what is needed to put to rest some unaddressed differences that have been tucked in a closet or swept under a rug. Ignoring important matters does not make them go away, and pretending the problem is not there does not make it magically disappear. Unresolved conflicts are like pesky weeds in a garden. Even if you completely ignore them, they will still grow.
Our State of the Union meetings are not contingent upon a disagreement or some dividing issue arising between us. As a matter of fact, we advocate having these fundamentally important husband-wife conferences in harmonious times instead of during seasons of discord. When minds are clear and hearts are void of anger, hurt and frustration; those are the perfect settings for a State of the Union. In our relationship, we view these meetings as effective methods of maintaining harmony within our marriage rather than ways to restore harmony to our marriage. Brushing up on an already organized house is much easier than fixing up a house that is in total disarray. In having frequent heart-to-heart discussions, we are able to nip things in the bud—as the old folks used to say—before they even become an issue of division and disruption.
We strongly recommend that before talking to each other in these intimate meetings, a husband and wife should first talk to God. Start every State of the Union gathering with prayer. Invite God into your assembly before the proverbial pounding of the gavel that marks the start of your session. His presence will set an atmosphere of safety and security, two things that are desperately needed during these conversations.
If they are to be successful, State of the Union get-togethers require complete confidence on the parts of both husband and wife. No guards should be up. Total vulnerability is a must. Each needs to know that they can candidly, and with all honesty, discuss everything and anything that is deemed important to them for the growth and strengthening of their union. This is why trust is so critical in a marriage. Each participant—both husband and wife—should be self-assured that they will be allowed to speak freely—without judgment or condemnation—and their spouse will not only listen to their words, but also hear their hearts.
Hopes, dreams, desires and aspirations … weaknesses, strengths, fears and insecurities … they all can be discussed here. Joy, sadness, frustration and even annoyance … they can all be expressed here. And, certainly, solutions, resolutions, antidotes and answers … they can all be explored here.
If you’ve never had one, give it a try. While State of the Union meetings may not be ideal for every couple as an ongoing method of marriage maintenance, we believe that for every relationship, it is a great platform on which to start strengthening the lines of communication.
Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, and the authors of the devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.
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