When it comes to valued human relationships, there are none in our lives wherein straightforward communication is not vitally essential. The truth of that statement intensifies when it comes to the importance of open and honest communication between married couples.
Here is a moment of transparency that might surprise most people who think they know us well: communication wasn’t always one of our strong suits. In fact, it was a pain point in our earlier years. After much prayer, patience, and spiritual counsel, we were able to break through that barrier. During the process, it was revealed that pride was the stubborn root of the “silent” issue that plagued us. It may sound strange to hear that pride is something that can cause one not to freely communicate … but read on.
Within marriage, or when preparing for marriage, communicating is much more than just talking about superficial things. It’s about exposing your naked soul. It’s about being completely vulnerable. It’s about taking a chance on trusting the other person with your failures, your weaknesses, and even the demons of your past.
There are proponents of the adage, “what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” that will advise people to keep sordid details of their past hidden, even from those with whom they are preparing to exchange vows. But, when it comes to permanently bringing someone else into your life and becoming one with them as described in Ephesians 5:31, this is an adage that does not work. When two people come together in marriage, the past, present, and future of one spouse will eventually affect the other.
Matters regarding family dynamics, physical challenges, mental health, sexual history, medical concerns, financial struggles, and even legal woes—if any of these problems are in existence for one person prior to the wedding, they become shared problems after the wedding. However, too many men and women hide sensitive issues from their significant other for fear of how that person might perceive them. They want to raise as few red flags as possible in hopes of preventing any apprehensions of moving forward with the relationship.
Pride, when taken out of healthy context, is a very egocentric attribute. It makes one do (or not do) whatever they must to get what they want. It totally disregards how, or to what extent, the outcome will negatively affect someone else. This kind of pride is totally self-serving and is only geared toward gratifying and fulfilling oneself. A pride of this kind should never be taken on by any individual, but least of all, ones married or preparing for marriage. This form of pride, and the love that should be shared by a husband and wife, cannot occupy the same space and have a harmonious coexistence.
In part, 1 Corinthians 13:4-5 (NIV) says, “Love is patient, love is kind… It is NOT PROUD. It DOES NOT DISHONOR others, it is NOT SELF-SEEKING…” This means that those of us looking to get married should have a love so genuine and so pure for the one that we desire to marry that we are willing to bare all, even at the risk of not getting what we hoped out of the relationship.
In last week’s column, we talked about marriage-love and how it is sacrificial and not superficial. That means our love for that other person should be so genuine that we approach them with the attitude of, “I love you so much that I’d rather lose you than hurt you.” The person that we desire to marry should be made aware of the good, the bad, and the ugly BEFORE they say, “I do.”
It is unfair and unreasonable for a man or woman to keep silent about things concerning themselves for fear that those things will stop the other person from marrying them. For one to live a temporary lie (because the truth WILL ultimately rise to the surface) to get what he or she wants is totally self-serving and is not indicative of true love. Dishonesty breeds distrust, and a marriage without trust is beyond fragile. Hiding an issue doesn’t make it go away. It will only multiply, and when the secret is finally discovered, it’ll be worse than it would have been had the truth been exposed in honesty and eradicated in the beginning.
Case in point: every 10 days, a “yard man” comes to our house to cut the grass. Recently, we noticed the yard being overtaken by weeds. We finally deduced that this is happening because the mower being used has no bag attached to catch what’s being cut, and no weed killer is being distributed. Therefore, what started out as a few white dandelions have now expanded into a yard full of them. While chopping off the tops of the weeds may briefly make the lawn look well-manicured, when the white seeds of what is chopped off are spewed across the yard during the process—and not countered by a weed-killing agent to address the underlying cause—those seeds eventually take root wherever they drift, and they produce more weeds until even the cut lawn looks unkempt.
Do you want to know how devastating pride is? Proverbs 16:18 unapologetically puts it like this: “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” This one thing called pride, if not identified and brought under the subjection of the Holy Spirit, can cause the total annihilation of even the most promising marriages.
Among the seven deadly sins numbered in many Christian teachings, pride is at the top of the list. Silence brought on by pride is toxic and abusive. To a relationship—a marriage in particular—it’s deadly. It must be exposed and extracted by the root, and honest communication is the only way to do that.
How important is honesty in a marriage? Consider this. If you’re not being honest, and you’re hiding behind a mask made of pride, then your spouse is not truly loving you; they are loving who you’ve led them to believe that you are. And when you take this truth at face value, the love you’re living the lie to receive is still not coming to the real you. When you are vulnerable and come to your partner with the authentic you, you give them the opportunity to love you regardless of your shortcomings and failures. Honesty and transparency are valuable tools for love and highly effective weapons against pride.
Every adult has a past, and every past has flaws. Each of us owes it to ourselves and to our spouses to ditch the pride and be authentically who we are. You’re not alone. No one is perfect. But, despite your human imperfections, you are perfect for the one that God has for you.
Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, and the authors of the devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.
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