A few years ago, an online story reported the actions of a groom who practically left his bride at the altar. It was only days before the wedding—less than a week—when he backed out. Once some of his male constituents were finally able to catch up with him, they asked why he had done such a thing. His response was, “I just couldn’t do it to her, man. I’m not ready to get married. I got some stuff I need to work through.”
Needless to say, the bride was beside herself, and her family members and friends were beyond incensed. Truthfully, no one could blame them for their fury. They had a right to be angry. A bridal gown had been purchased, bridesmaids’ dresses had been sewn, tuxedos had been rented, and wine glasses had been engraved. Invitations had been mailed. Caterers, photographers and florists had been paid. How could this man do such a horrible, insensitive thing?
Any woman, whether married or not, could probably put herself in that bride’s shoes and experience every emotion that she, no doubt, went through. It must have been a rollercoaster ride of sensations with highs and lows that ranged from resentment to sorrow to utter humiliation. The one she probably never felt is the one that she probably should have felt most … happiness. Somewhere after the initial shock, and once she had a moment to really think about it, that bride should have felt grateful.
Why? Because as embarrassingly last minute as it was, his backing out was the best thing that ill-prepared groom could have done for her. To have gone through with the wedding—taken vows he knew he could not keep, entered a covenant with a woman that he knew he would not be able to properly love and cherish the way God stipulated—would have been wrong, and ultimately, her heartbreak would have been far worse.
In this man’s case, had he gone through with the marriage, he would have done so knowing in advance that he was only doing it because he felt obligated or pressured. He would have gone in knowing the marriage’s failure was imminent. His only choices were to be a groom that would break a bride’s heart now, or to be a husband who would break a wife’s heart later. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: brides and grooms are just roles people play for an expected few moments, but husbands and wives are lives people live for an expected lifetime. With the choices he had, he made the right one, despite the fallout that followed.
Those of us who have a fascination with the law and order type television shows know that when someone executes a killing that is premeditated, deliberate and willful, it is considered murder in the first degree. That largely is deemed the cruelest kind of murder, thereby having maximum penalties.
Exodus 21:12-14 (NKJV) clarifies this: “He who strikes a man so that he dies shall surely be put to death. However, if he did not lie in wait, but God delivered him into his hand, then I will appoint for you a place where he may flee. But if a man acts with premeditation against his neighbor, to kill him by treachery, you shall take him from My altar, and he may die.”
This clearly separates a premeditated murder from an accidental killing. One can discern that, under this context, constituted civil authorities are authorized by God to legislate the death penalty. No amount of money or property resolution can compensate for the obliteration of the image of God in a murdered person. Even if the death was truly accidental, the killer still had to flee to a city of refuge. But for one guilty of deliberate murder, there were no sanctuaries whatsoever to which to flee—not even the altar of God.
According to The Wedding Report, Inc. (a research company that collects and forecasts wedding statistics for the wedding industry) in 2019, over two million weddings took place. They calculated 2,203,712 to be exact. Based on shared information from Hampton Road Legal Services, every year, there are nearly 876,000 divorces (which equates to 1 divorce approximately every 36 seconds). It’s hard not to wonder… of those over two million weddings, how many of them contained brides and grooms who knew well in advance, and even as they stood at the altar, that they were not ready to take on the roles of husbands and wives. How many marital deaths each year are actually acts of premeditated murder?
Let’s look at the word “premeditation.” What does it imply? Premeditate means to think out or plan something beforehand—to have full awareness of the probable outcome of an action. Similar words are deliberate, conscious and intentional. There are no mistakes being made here. Premeditation means that the doer knows there will be a particular outcome (most commonly negative), and decides to move ahead anyway.
We don’t have to physically murder our spouse in order to metaphorically kill them or kill our covenant. The Bible says in Proverbs 18:21 (The Voice), “Words have power in matters of life and death, and those who love them will savor their fruit.” How we choose to use our words will either build up or tear down our spouse. How we act, react and interact with our spouse will either build them up or tear them down. Our words and actions can damage and even destroy them emotionally, mentally and psychologically. And when our killer words and deeds lead to the dissolving of a marriage covenant, we have committed murder. Furthermore, if we had an awareness of these homicidal tendencies within us prior to entering this most holy ordinance, but decided to proceed anyway, the marriage-murder we commit is a premeditated one.
The Bible describes marriage as “honorable among all” (Hebrews 13:4). This is God’s institution. Most are told, even by the clergy who officiates the ceremony, that it is a covenant that is not to be entered into lightly. The wording usually goes something like this: “Marriage is not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly; but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly and in the fear of God.”
Getting married shouldn’t be something we do on a whim. Each person is accountable for his or her own intentions and must know that they are fully prepared (spiritually, mentally, physically, financially and emotionally) to take on the responsibilities that come along with being a husband and wife. “Cold feet,” in our opinion, is just a way of your heart telling you that you’re not ready or that something is not right. When there are no reservations, there are no second-guesses. If there is any uncertainty on the part of either party, much prayer and honest self-evaluation needs to take place.
A man or woman who knows within their hearts that they are not ready to be a husband or wife should never go through the motions just to “save face” or appease friends and family members. To enter a marriage covenant knowing that you have unresolved issues that will most likely result in the dissolution of your union is, to your marriage, an act of premeditated murder!
“So I give you a new command: Love each other deeply and fully. Remember the ways that I have loved you and demonstrate your love for others in those same ways” (John 13:34 The Voice).
Drs. Michael & Kendra Holmes are the senior pastors of Deliverance Revival Church in Warner Robins, the founders of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC, the authors of the 31-day devotional, “Cross-Fire: Igniting Passionate, Purposeful, and Powerful Relationships,” and the hosts of the new forthcoming television talk show, “The Marriage Circle.” W.A.R. is an acronym for “We Are Royalty,” the official slogan of Royalty Relationship Coaching, LLC. Visit the website at www.RoyaltyRelationshipCoaching.com.
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